Journaling

I hate writing in a journal.  I don't write very well anymore, and I really don't have time.  I want to use my blog as a way of journaling, but it is so hard most days to find the time to sit down and blog. Life has been so nuts this last year and I have kind of gotten lost in it all. And by that I don't just mean I have been busy, or overwhelmed, I mean, I am lost.  The person I am, the person I want to be. I don't really know who I am anymore. I live to serve my kids and my husband and my church. I don't take care of my own needs very often and now I find myself spending a lot of time alone, in bed, sad, lazy, eating, numbing, loathing.  I wish I had the energy to be a good mom and a fit mom, and a healthy mom and an involved wife.  I wish I was more in touch with my sexuality.  I wish I didn't loathe my own body so much that I hate even putting on clothes that aren't sweats. The problem here isn't that I don't know the problem, it's that I don't have any idea how to fix it. I am wellllll aware of my issues and my shortcomings and my road blocks.  I just can't seem to win any battles to overcome them, get around them, heal from them. 12 step didn't seem to make me feel better.  Therapy is a good place to vent, but I don't feel better yet. Talking about my issues with friends and family is cathartic, but not healing. I spend every evening planning how to eat healthy the next day only to wake up feeling utterly out of control before I even eat breakfast.  Today I have eaten more calories than I get for a whole day and it's only 3:00.  I have prayed and prayed for answers and yet, nothing comes.  I don't feel stronger.  I never feel in control. I honestly don't see a time when I will not behave this way.  How am I ever going to overcome this? Am I just meant for sadness?? Am I supposed to stay fat? Am I destined for illness and disease caused by my eating habits? None of that seems to be a motivator for me to pull it together.  I used to blame myself for a lack of self control. But that isn't the problem.  I have NO control. I can't control my thoughts, my actions, my emotions or my feelings. I just want someone to come to me and say, here is what you need to do/read/eat/say.  Here is what to pray for.  Here is a program that will help you loose weight and feel better.  I know everyone wishes it was that easy, I'm not alone in that. I think for me right now, I need to make one tiny goal.  Something easy that I can do.  It may sound super silly, but I think that goal is going to be to make my bed every day.  It sounds simple, but I think that if my bed is made a few other things will happen. 1. I won't get back in it until bed time. 2. I will be motivated to clean up other parts of the house.  I think if I can have a little bit of success, I will feel motivated to take on other goals.  My big one that I really would like to achieve is to cut out all sugar and white flour.  I tell myself every day I am going to do it, but I loose all control early in the morning.  I know it will help me feel better.  Kind of like making my bed. I know that if I can cut out those two things from my diet, I might feel motivated to make other healthy changes!

Progress is Progress

It has been a rough week.  I have been battling insomnia and serious depression for a couple of months now.  This week it seems to have all come to a head.  I spent a few days in bed feeling like I couldn't physically move.  My mind willing my body to get up and get dressed, brush my teeth, take a shower, but my body refusing to cooperate. It always sounds like a good idea to stay in bed for days, but usually by the end of the first day I feel even more depressed. I start to feel like a big worthless blob. My kids suffer, my house suffers, my self esteem suffers. It isn't as relaxing as it would seem.  Depression is more than just feeling sad. When someone says they "suffer from depression," they are truly suffering.  I have sat on my floor sobbing, begging God to get me out of the darkness. The physical aspects are sometimes painful, and exhausting. It really is suffering. The hardest part is that most of the time those of us with depression suffer it alone. No one wants to be labeled as crazy or as a charity case. I don't want to burden anyone else with my sorrow. I confide in a few people that I trust, but when things are at their darkest, I don't feel like I can reach out in front of my face let alone reach out to someone else for help. Last night after days of feeling low, I knelt in prayer and asked my Father in Heaven to deliver me. I got up, went downstairs did a load of dishes, came back upstairs and folded a bunch of laundry. I felt better, not perfect, but better. Today, I woke up, showered, brushed my teeth, put on some makeup and left the house. It's amazing how doing those easy things makes a difference. The sun was out, I got some groceries, had a friend over and on top of it all, I tracked my food and stayed under budget! God really had my back today. I still battled some anxiety, my kids still drove me a little nuts, but I didn't eat about it, and I had the Grace of God helping me stay calm. I don't know why I forget to pray. When I am at my darkest, why do I forget that I can pray and ask for help? Satan tells me no one cares, God doesn't hear me and I will never be well. I went back to 12 step on Sunday. I didn't share, I just sat and listened. It is so refreshing to hear the testimonies of these brave beautiful women who truly understand my pain. They inspire me.

Today, I did well. Today I felt better. Today I saw the sunshine and I basked in it. There are times when I get glimpses of who I can be. I see a woman who enjoys her life if for only a moment, and I love her. I want to nurture her and bring her forward. I know God did not create me to be sad and depressed.  I have potential to be great.

I'm Baaaaack!

It has been over 2 years since I last blogged.  A whole lot has happened since then.  1. I had another baby.  Sweet Lennox Avery came to us November 24th 2013.  He was almost 10 weeks premature and weighed in at a whopping 2 pounds 10 ounces.  He is now turning two and is a healthy, sweet, happy little boy! We have moved to Idaho Falls Idaho and I put a salon in our basement.  We are learning to like it here.  This move had it's issues for me, but I am doing my best.

Since this blog is about my journey to wholeness, i will update you about my health over the last two or so years. I will spare you all of the boring details and just say that my failures to get my weight under control since Lennox was born have led me to The Church of Jesus Christ's 12 step plan for over eaters.  I accepted long ago that I was an addict, but I really didn't know what to do with that information.  A dear friend of mine invited me to a meeting and I had been going since the end of May 2015.  About a month ago I had what I can only call a mental breakdown. It was a culmination of things really...failure to loose any weight despite my best efforts, trouble in my marriage, loneliness, feeling like I was failing at the 12 steps because I wasn't feeling or behaving any better, and a debilitating bout of depression. I started yelling more, sleeping less, eating to soothe, staying in my house for days and days on end and pulling away from everyone and everything I loved.  I had panic attacks at church.  I had panic attacks standing in my closet picking what to wear.  I had severe anxiety about leaving the house to do anything. I stopped going to meetings, I started binge eating again.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped doing anything that was causing me frustration or pain. I honestly felt like I was failing at every part of my life. This drove me to seek counseling. My husband and I had been trying marriage counseling, and I just didn't feel like he was ready to change, and I didn't feel a connection to the counselor we were seeing. I was in Boise visiting my dear friend and she said maybe I needed to see someone for myself. Get things in my head figured out before I could tackle any other issues.  I found a counselor and so far, 2 appointments in, I feel good about her.  She encouraged me to journal, and I thought, hey, why not pick up blogging again. Maybe someone will stumble across this and relate to what I say.

Yesterday a friend from my 12 step group called me.  She and I haven't spoken in a while and I honestly thought with leaving the group we may never talk again.  Until yesterday, I wasn't sure if I could return.  I just can't take any more failure right now and the steps were starting to feel like a burden to me. She said some very powerful things.  She brought me to tears more that a few times.  But the thing she said that hit me the hardest was this....Just stop.  Stop binge eating right now. Just pull it together and stop it. I have given myself every reason in the world to binge eat.  I deserve to feel better, this is all I can do to numb myself, this is just who I am, I will never get better. She also said she felt like Satan had me, he had me by the neck.  That brought tears to my eyes and a pit in my stomach.  Satan %100 has a hold of me, my mind and my spirit right now.  He knows exactly how to lure me into the darkness.  I had an image flash in my mind of me with a chain around my neck being drug into the woods.  I was dirty, and tattered and crying.  At first I fought, but then I just gave in.  My counselor asked me to describe my emotions as if they were a drawing.  I told her it was a deep hole, pure dark with slick smooth walls.  No one at the top, and no way to get out. This is what food addiction has done to me. This is how my life looks. Pain, sorrow, anxiety, sleeplessness, loneliness, panic, darkness.  Until yesterday, I was prepared to settle in to it all.  Be "on" when I need to be on.  Put on the show when I need to.  But in my private moments, when no one else is watching...the girl at the bottom of the hole in the dark is who I really was. My friend told me to literally tell Satan to go away, get out of here, leave me alone.  I have had moments over the last few months when I have begged to My Father in Heaven to "get me out here, please get me out of here." But I had never thought to tell Satan "GET OUT OF HERE".  He is in my head.  He uses food to get there. He is the one dragging me by the neck into the woods to put me in that deep dark hole with no way out. So, what I need to remember when I am having a food fantasy(really that is what it is, a fantasy) is that nothing tastes good enough to justify living in a hole.  I need to commit to eating well as whole heartedly as I have committed to my marriage.  Is marriage always easy? NOPE. Do I sometimes wonder if the grass is greener? Sure, don't we all.  But no matter what, I would never leave my marriage, or dishonor my covenants.  I need to see overcoming addiction in the same light.  I am turning 33 tomorrow.  I think 33 years is long enough to struggle.  I don't remember ever NOT struggling with food and weight and depression.  I stood in my pantry last night begging the Lord to deliver me.  BEGGING. I am happy to report I made a healthy choice for dinner, and have been binge free today. The voice of my friend in my head telling me to JUST STOP combined with the Grace of God got me through today. I napped, I prepared a beautiful, satisfying meal and I have now blogged.  I am going to do this.  I am going to overcome.  It may take me the rest of my life.  But with God all things can be done.  I don't know who reads this.  I have no idea if anyone will ever feel less alone.  I can hope that someday I will be able to sit down and type...I am free!!!  Until then, take this journey with me.  I want to share this talk that I listened to yesterday from my church's semi-annual conference.  This man is our Prophet.  His health is failing and I am not sure how much longer he will live.  I listened to this talk last night while I sat alone and ate my dinner.  I sobbed.  Like ugly sobbed.  I love him, and I love his message of hope.  Please take a minute if you are reading this to listen.  I promise you will feel the Light of Christ reach out to you.

Well, that's it.  Here we go right?!  Another chapter in my journey to wholeness!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/be-an-example-and-a-light?lang=eng

Recipes...yummy, yummy recipes!

I have really had a fun time this last week trying new recipes.  There is nothing like a lifestyle shift to get you out of a cooking rut! I have been so amazed at the amount of online resources there are for clean eating, and I have had some amazing meals this week!  Here are a few I would like to share!  I found an amazing site called Paleo & Wine.  I got a few recipes this week from there!

Prosciutto Egg Cups with Sweet Potato

 This was one of the most amazing breakfast meals I have ever had, this will for sure be a regular in our house!

Almond Cashew Baked Chicken 

The only thing I did different for this recipe was I made my dipping sauce out of balsamic and Paleo Mayo. It was amazing!

And an oldie, that I made Paleo Friendly!

Chicken with Mustard Cream Sauce

(click the link for the old version)

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 T coconut oil

salt and pepper to taste

1/2 cup organic beef broth

3/4 C canned Lite Coconut Milk

3-4 T Spicy Brown Mustard

1t dried Thyme

Melt coconut oil in frying pan

salt and pepper your chicken breasts and place in the pan

cook until juices run clear, about 5 mins each side

remove chicken from pan, but keep the juices. 

pour broth into pan and let boil until reduced by half. About 2 mins

whisk in coconut milk, mustard and thyme

Let boil and thicken stirring often, about 3 mins.

Place chicken back in pan and coat with sauce.

Serve warm topped with sauce, 

Enjoy!

I serve mine with Brussel Sprouts topped with the yummy sauce!

Pan Sauteed Beets

2-4 cooked beets( I got pre-cooked packaged beets at Costco and used those)

1 T Butter

1t minced garlic( I use a freeze dried variation)

1 t onion powder

melt butter in frying pan

slice your beets into strips

place beets, garlic and onion powder in frying pan and saute until tender and warm through. 

Today, I Ate Like a Queen

I am starting to get the hang of this whole clean eating thing.  I did have a bit of a food mourning moment at the Target checkout tonight.  My ritual for a night like tonight when my husband is out of town would be to grab a delicious treat, a diet coke and a gossip mag...sprawl out in bed and enjoy celeb who wore it bests next to a bubbly drink and something dripping in chocolate!  However, never fear, I whipped up something delightful and to be honest, am enjoying it more than I would have had I been laying here eating something laden with guilt.

Today, I felt like a champ.  I had the most AMAZING clean bacon with some eggs and a fruit salad for breakfast.  I enjoyed a scrumptious turkey burger topped with green olives, avocado and homemade Paleo mayo wrapped up in butter lettuce with a side of chopped carrots and sugar snap pea pods.  And for dinner, a beautifully pan seared Tilapia loin with oven roasted brussel sprouts and a side of fresh pineapple.  Finish the day off with this yummy treat I am noshing on, and I feel down right decadent!  So, enjoy these meals, they sure made my day!

These turkey burgers came from Costco.  I have been kind of obsessed with avocado and green olives on everything lately...and of course who can forget the amazing Paleo Mayo! Nothing special here, just fried up the burger in a pan with a tiny bit of coconut oil, salt and pepper.  In hindsight, this may have been better as a salad, it was so yummy, but kind of a mess to eat!

So, you have seen "banana ice cream" all over the internet I am sure.  That is one of our family favorites.  However, tonight, I was lacking enough frozen banana pieces to make a full serving.  So I experimented and added frozen blueberries and frozen strawberries....AMAZING! This tastes just like frozen yogurt, or berry sorbet...with NO sugar!  I am in love, and feeling really fresh right about now!  This recipe is simple.  I used about 1/2 a frozen banana, 1 C frozen blueberries, and 4 large frozen strawberries.  Threw it all in my Ninja blender and blended it for a good 3 minutes stopping periodically to scrape the sides and move chunks closer to the blades.  Now, the banana is the star player here for texture, not so much for taste.  The frozen banana gives the final product that creamy consistency.  I hope you love this as much as I did tonight!

For dinner tonight, nothing special just a pan seared Tilapia and a fresh pineapple.  I do however have a signature method of preparing sprouts that will blow your mind.  

I first cut the base off of the sprout, then chop it into fourths.  Some of the outer leaf will fall off...this is good!  Fill up a cookie sheet with your fourths and your leaves then toss with olive oil and either salt an pepper, or my personal fave, Johnny's Seasoning Salt.  Place in a preheated oven at 440 and let it cook.  Check every 5-10 mins and turn with a spatula as needed.  I like mine to be nice and brown on each side.  Take them out, and eat right away!  These have a nice nutty, crispy, smokey loveliness that you won't believe is coming from the worlds most hated veggie!  Like I said, this will blow your mind! 

What the Heck Do We Eat Now?

Anytime the cook in the house decides to completely shift the way she eats, inevitably, there is some panic in the ranks.  My husband hesitantly promised he would support my whole foods movement, my children on the other hand, are fighting...hard. I wouldn't say that my family has had "bad" eating habits in the past.  I have never allowed a lot of sugary treats, chips(aside from taco night and bbq's), or lot's of "kid food" in the house, and my kids love fruit, and a few veggies.  But, my kids also loooove cheese, peanut butter, cereal(the "healthy" kind!) and as most kids, they love juice, which I have always watered down.  My 6 year old was less than enthused with the spinach, banana, strawberry, beet, coconut milk shake I tried to pass off as "SO YUMMY" this morning.  And my 1 1/2 year old wanted nothing to do with the sliced up avocados and chicken breast I offered her at dinner.  This last few days has been easier than expected for me, but a complete nightmare when it comes to the efforts I am making to help my kids eat better.  So, after a night of feeling 1000% defeated, I came to this conclusion; this will have to be a slower process for my kids.  They are only children, they did not make this decision and they sure as heck don't posses the maturity level it takes to accept major life changes cold turkey. If I am making 1 improvement to their overall dietary intakes every few days, I consider that a success. The main focus for me right now needs to be educating myself, healing my body, and making better habits so that when they do come to an age where they begin to understand "nutrition", they will be able to recall lessons I have taught them and they will have to tools to make better choices.  For now, that is the best I can do.  I will keep offering them the best food I can, and then back off and let them eat!  I have to also learn not to freak out when they leave my house for say, school, sports, parties, sleepovers.  I can't control their food intake, nor would I want to.  But hopefully I can teach them balance and then, let them use it!

So, what have we been eating around here the last few days anyway??  I will share as many recipes as I can so that anyone who comes across this blog will be able to bulk up their whole foods recipe box! Here are a few recipes from the last few days that I have loved!

Crock Pot Pork Carnitas!( I got this recipe from the Whole9life.com website)

(The recipe said it served 4, but I would honestly say it is more like 6)

• 5 lbs of country-style spare pork ribs (or however many will fit in your crock pot)
• 2 large onions, diced
• 2 cups of diced tomatoes
• 2 cups of diced peppers
• 2 heaping tsp dried oregano
• 1 heaping tsp granulated garlic powder
• 1 heaping tbsp chili powder
• 2 heaping tsp  cumin

Mix all dry spices in a small bowl. I use a heavy hand with the spices – season to taste.   Mix the diced tomatoes and peppers in a separate bowl.

Put down one layer of the ribs in the bottom of the crock. Sprinkle a spoonful of the spice mixture over the meat and spread around some of the tomato/pepper mixture. Top with onions. Make a second layer of ribs and continue until you are out of ingredients. I like to finish with ribs on top, not onions, so the layers are slightly uneven.

Turn crockpot to low and cook for at least eight hours.

Using a pasta-serving spoon, shred your pork ribs. This is the best use for a pasta-serving spoon ever. It allows you to pull apart the meat and remove the bones as well as any egregiously large pieces of fatty gristle.

Use this to make a hot salad, or serve alongside some cauliflower rice and cucumber slices. I especially like it as a salad because the cooking liquid can serve as dressing–no extra condiments necessary. My favorite is a hot salad topped with some avocado slices. It’s what’s for dinner tonight!   This freezes really well, too. Perfect for single-eaters or small families.

Homemade Paleo Mayo (from theclothesmakethegirl.com)

Ingredients:
1 egg
2 tablespoons lemon juice @ room temp
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup plus 1 cup olive oil (light, not extra virgin) @ room temp

Directions:
1. Place the egg and lemon juice in a blender or food processor. Let them come to room temperature together, about 30-60 minutes. Add the dry mustard, salt, and  1/4 cup of the oil. Whirl until well mixed – about 20 to 30 seconds.

THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART!
2. The only remaining job is to incorporate the remaining 1 cup oil into the mixture. To do this, you must pour very slowly… the skinniest drizzle you can manage and still have movement in the oil. This takes about three minutes or so. Think about three minutes during a WOD; it’s a fairly long time. Breathe. Relax. Drizzle slowly.

If you’re using a blender, you’ll hear the pitch change as the liquid starts to form the emulsion. Eventually, the substance inside the blender will start to look like regular mayonnaise, only far more beautiful. Do not lose your nerve and consider dumping! Continue to drizzle.

If your ingredients were all at room temperature and you were patient, you will be rewarded!

Lunch Shrimp salad (from my own brain)

1 C salad shrimp...the tiny ones
6 green olives sliced
handful of snap peas diced up in the pod
any other veggies you want to ad
1 T homemade Paleo mayo

mix it all up, and either eat it as is, or enjoy over a green salad.  I served mine with homemade sweet potato chips!

Sweet Potato Chips 

1/2 of a yam(better for you than a sweet potato)
1 T light olive oil
dash of salt

Heat oven to 450.  Thinly slice your yam.  I use a mandolin.  Toss yam slices in the oil and season with salt.  Spread evenly on a baking sheet and place in the oven.  Bake for 7-10 mins then flip and bake an additional 3-5 mins.  Let cool then serve!!

New Way of Life

Well, there has been a good reason that I have been MIA from the blogging world.  I have been lost.  Very very lost, and very very confused.  I have found myself in a dark and unhealthy place.  I won't bore you with all of the details,(in this post at least!) but basically, after months of self destructive behavior, less than desirable numbers on the scale, and a laundry list of bad health issues, I decided to seek help from a Naturopath.  I have seen him a few times, run some tests and journaled food and the results are in...adrenal fatigue, gluten/soy/dairy sensitivities and basic bad food choices.  I knew in my heart he was going to take me off of gluten.  After following my food journal I just had a feeling that I was gluten intolerant. But actually facing a diet without soy, dairy AND gluten put me into a head on collision with an overwhelming sense of doom. Since my daughter was born in December 2011, I have suffered from some pretty debilitating anxiety, but NOTHING like what I have felt this last week due to this dietary upheaval.  It took a couple of days, and a LOT of research for the panic to subside.  Turns out, this lifestyle is HOT right now and there are a TON of resources for recipes and support groups on the world wide web.  So, yesterday, I put on my big girl panties, packed up my kids and spent a good 2 hours shopping at Costco and Huckleberry's Natural Market(not impressed with Huckleberry's we will talk about that later).  Came home last night, made a killer dinner and for the first time in days, felt like I could actually do this. 

I have also, thanks to a dear friend from high school, found a great resource in a book titled, "It Starts With Food."  There is SOOO much valuable info in this book that I almost feel like I need to read each chapter twice just to absorb it all.  I will admit, it is not easy to read some of this wonderful info...for a person like me who uses food as a drug, some of it even made me feel defensive.  But, in my heart, I know these changes have to be made.  I am doing my best to only eat whole foods.  I am following the plan in the book about 90% the only thing I ate yesterday that was not on their plan was PurePea protein powder.  Other than that, the only foods that crossed these lips were whole foods! You can check out the Whole9 community on facebook and actually get their Whole30 program for FREE off of their website HERE! 

So, without further adieu, here is the AMAZING recipe I created last night using guidelines from the book!  I hope you enjoy this, actually, I KNOW you will enjoy this! 

Chili Lime Chicken with Avocado

FOR THE CHICKEN:

All natural chicken breast( I get the Kirkland brand from Costco)

Mrs. Dash Chili Lime Salt free seasoning

1 T Coconut Oil

pinch of Salt 

1 lime wedge

2-3 slices of avocado

Warm up your coconut oil in a frying pan.  Season each side of your chicken breast with Mrs. Dash and a pinch of salt. 

Cook until juices run clear, depending on the thickness of the chicken, about 5 mins each side.

While chicken is cooking, slice avocado, and prepare a green salad.  I made mine with organic Spring Mix from Costco, carrots, celery, mini cucumbers and black olives. 

FOR SALAD DRESSING:

(1 serving)

1/2 T Olive Oil (either EVOO or light olive oil)

1/2 T Balsamic Vinegar 

1 Lime wedge

Put all ingredients in a small bowl and stir!  They won't really come together, but I promise, on your salad, it is divine! 

After your chicken is cooked all the way through, squeeze your lime wedge over the top and finish it off with your slices of avocado.  I added about 1/2 C of fresh kiwi from Costco to my plate and squeezed a bit of lime over those too!  This dinner was so so yummy and very filling.  

ENJOY!

Freedom

Well folks, we went on our cruise, I lost 19 pounds on Medifast and I ate like a truck driver the entire week we were gone and now here I am on the flip side ready for some real life changes!  My good friend and I started Medifast together a week before Thanksgiving.  We both lost about 20ish pounds and we both wanted to jump off of a cliff by last week.  We agreed to finish up what we had in our cupboards and when I got back from my trip, we would both get back on a plan that has worked great for us in the past...Weight Watchers!  Medifast has its place, and for quick weight loss(if you are willing to OBEY the program to the letter) it is King.  However, for me, Medifast taught me very little in the way of life changes.  I learned how to loose weight using fake food and when the time came to eat real food, I would loose my mind and binge like a crazy person.  I have been on WW for 4 days now, and have yet to feel an uncontrollable craving.  I have enjoyed a bowl of air popped popcorn every night.  I have LOVED eating fruit again and some of my favorite off limits veggies as well.  I have missed raw almonds more than I knew. And all in all, I am feeling satisfied, and in control.  I love that WW gives you extra points so spend each week for a cheat.  I am not the type to go over on daily points, I like to be right on, or even a point or two left over at the end of the day, but I am making a huge dinner on Sunday with dessert, and I know I can indulge and not break my entire weeks effort to pieces with one meal.  MF always made me feel trapped and if I cheated even once, no matter how small the cheat was...I would gain weight....not just not loose weight, but GAIN weight.  I know WW is going to be a slower weight loss than MF was for me, but if you have read this blog at all, you know that my mental state can at times be fragile when it comes to food, so I am looking forward to repairing my long standing broken relationship with food.  WW helps me see what portions I can have, helps me put food into perspective, and helps me make the better choices that MF took away from me.  I can enjoy popcorn at night...but 5 or 6 cups of popcorn not an entire bowl.  I can have cheese on my salad...just lower fat cheese and 1/4 cup goes a lot further than I gave it credit for in the past!  I am excited about this, and ready to make some much needed changes!  Wish me luck! 

{A}

Pizza...on Medifast?? YES!!

I have had a cauliflower pizza crust pinned on Pinterest forever and just haven't felt brave enough to try it.  But tonight, I was in the mood for something different, so I took the plunge, and BOOOOYYY am I glad I did!  This is by far one of my favorite new dishes!  You will love it too.  The fun thing is, I can change up the toppings and have so much variety with this one recipe!  So here you go! Cauliflower Pizza!!

(this is for ONE serving)

1C raw cauliflower

2 egg whites

1/2 tsp Italian Seasoning

1/2 C low fat cheese or part skim mozzarella 

1T tomato sauce of your liking

3 Morningstar Farms "meatballs"

In a food processor "rice" your cauliflower.  This means pulse your blades until the cauliflower is the size and consistency of rice...about 4-5 pulses ought to do.

place "riced" cauliflower in a bowl and microwave it uncovered for about 7 minutes

add egg whites and seasonings to the bowl and blend.  I also added about 2T of cheese, but I don't think you need it, so next time, I will save it for the toppings.

Spread out on a parchment or foil lined cookie sheet.  I spread mine into about an 8 inch circle.

Bake at 450* for 12 minutes.

Take out of the oven and spread your sauce.

Take your 3 meatballs and pulse them in the blender or chop them finely.

Put your toppings on and place back in the oven for about 5 more minutes.

Slice and ENJOY!!!

I am Slacking Big Time

I have missed writing on my blog for a while.  Life with two kids is just so busy and I have had a hard time fitting in all the things I love to do.  Blogging has kind of taken a back seat.  But tonight, I am feeling like I need to vent, spill, complain, cry, whatever.  This is kind of my free therapy, and I miss getting it all out.  Somehow putting all my feelings into cyber space makes me feel better.  Most of the time, I feel really misunderstood, and I guess I imagine there is some sweet soul out there who may read this and be able to relate to me, and that makes me feel less alone.

If you follow this blog at all, you know that I have been doing Medifast.  I used this program before to loose 36 pounds and get down to the smallest weight/size I have ever been.  I lost my mind during my pregnancy and gained it alllllll back!  I really thought I could just hop back on the program and loose the weight.  I have had some success I am down about 15lbs since the week before Thanksgiving.  However, most weeks are very very frustrating, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to overcome my intense cravings, my energy level is frighteningly low most of the time, and I am not feeling like I have the will power to continue on this program.  I am all about the number on the scale.  I am willing to do just about anything...but I want to see the fruits of my labor...is that so much to ask??  I get up at 5am to work out.  I eat meal replacements 5 times a day, and only lean meat and veggies once a day.  I drink so much water I pee constantly.   I have given up all soda, and all caffeine.  I have made the tough sacrifices...so why aren't they paying off?  Why am I not feeling better?  Why do I still feel like a huge failure?  Why?

I have said before that really, all I want is peace.  Today, I woke up after a really solid week, expecting a good weight loss.  Much to my surprise, I had actually GAINED a pound.  WHAT THE HELL.  From that second on, my day has been shot. I actually have felt nauseated all day. So what do I do, I rebel.  I ate the rest of the chocolate chips in my baking cupboard...and to top off the night, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and tater tots.  Do I feel better, no, no I don't...I feel worse.  Do I feel peaceful. NOPE.  I feel like taking my scale and all of my medifast food and burning it whilst shaking my fists at the sky.  I feel like punching a hole in the wall.  I feel like drowning myself in chocolate and crying til my eyes are dry.  I know I will wake up tomorrow, and things will seem brighter, but for today, I am once again, locked in this prison right next to my demon...she and I, face to face, just like old times.

I want to believe that there will come a day when I will be free of all of this.  A day when the number on the scale doesn't affect my ability to function.  A day when I can enjoy a decadent meal without wanting to throw it all up and beg the diet Gods for forgiveness.  I slipped up today.  I let my emotions run rampant, and I lost sight of my goals.  Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully, I wake up with a new outlook.

There, rant done!  Now I need to ditch this pity party and move on right!

Brookie!!

I am in an experimental mood lately! Tonight I made a brownie/cookie combo and it was lovely! I stopped ordering the brownies a long time ago because they have coffee in them and in my faith we refrain from drinking coffee. So I was craving chocolate tonight and this really hit the spot! Tip: I have discovered that most everything cooks better in a ramekin dish rather than the provided trays.

Brookies

1 pack Medifast chocolate chip cookie bake
1/2 t vanilla
1 t cocoa
1/2 packet truvia
2 T cold water

Blend well and place on a ramekin or a mug. Microwave for 70-90 seconds.

Enjoy!

Stroke of Medifast GENIUS!

I did a lot of research yesterday about different ways to get creative with my meals.  I saw a video on YouTube that inspired me and here is what I came up with!!  I hope you love it as much as I do!

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cake

(Medifast)

1 pack each of Chocolate Chip Cookie Bake and Spice Pancakes 

1/4 t baking soda

1/2 packet Truvia

1/2 t pumpkin pie spice 

1/4 t Cinnamon

1 T sugar free Caramel Flavor Syrup(optional)

1/4 c + 2 T COLD water(or +1T if you use syrup)

Blend together in a bowl with a wire whisk

Divide into equal parts 

pour into provided trays

microwave the one you intend to use right away for about 1 min 5 seconds

put the other one in the fridge. 

the refridgerated one will need to cook for longer.  Mine took about 90 seconds.  Keep an eye on it and once it is done rising in the dish, it should be close to done.  Microwave ovens vary, so just watch it.  You don't want to over cook it!

Enjoy!!

Things I loved to eat today!

One of my biggest faults during my 5&1 stage is that I kind of just eat to survive.  I stop getting creative with the lean and green meals and just eat the right portions of meat and veggies without actually making anything anyone else in my house would want to eat.  This causes a few problems.  1) I get bored and stop looking forward to that one "real" meal per day. 2) I end up cooking two separate meals for me and for my family. 3) My husband sometimes is on his own when I don't want to cook twice in one night!  So, today I spent some time online getting inspired and I found some amazing sites with some really creative recipes.  But for tonight I had to come up with something out of the ingredients I had on hand.  I came up with this recipe and I thought it turned out great!  I have been experimenting with kale after reading THIS article. So I added some to the mix!!  Obviously if you are not on the medifast program, you would want to change a few things like using a ground turkey with a higher fat content and maybe using pre made marinara if you are short on time.  For my family I added some whole wheat noodles and they loved it!

   I hope you enjoy!!

Green Meatballs

1lb extra lean ground turkey

3 leaves of kale with the spines cut out

1 t garlic salt

2 t onion powder

(I din't have any real onion, but you could also do that)

1 T Mrs. Dash Tomato Basil Garlic seasoning

1 t salt

3 t olive oil

(since you get 2 fat servings for using extra lean turkey, I used one of those to add some healthy fat to the meatballs)

Run the kale through your blender or food processor until it is finely chopped

Add kale, turkey, oil and spices in a bowl and mix with your hands

shape into about 18 balls and place on a lightly greased cookie sheet

bake for about 15-20 mins at 350 degrees

(I cooked mine the full 20 and they were a touch overdone.  Since these are green, it was hard to tell.  I would check them at 15 mins)

Serving for Medifast users is 7 oz cooked meatballs=about 7

Marinara sauce

1 can whole tomato

(I used canned because I didn't have fresh)

1 can tomato sauce

1 T Mrs. Dash Tomato Basil Garlic seasoning

1 t garlic powder

2 t onion powder

1 t salt

Stir all ingredients together and bring to a boil.  Cover and let simmer for about 30 mins.  

1/4 cup per serving for Medifast users= 1 green

I served mine with a few black olives chopped up and sprinkled over the balls and sauce and about 1 cup of broiled asparagus.  It was delicious!  

ENJOY

{A}

So NOT worth it!

Say whaaaaa?  What could she mean??  What is so NOT worth it?  I'll tell you...CHEATING!!!  I went home to Idaho for Thanksgiving and for the first couple of days I did really well.  I stayed on plan for every meal except dinner and even then I ate a lot less than I normally would.  I was feeling really good until the actual Thanksgiving feast. I don't know what came over me, but I kind of lost it.  It wasn't that I went overboard so much at that one meal, but the little bit I cheated at that meal opened the flood gates and the rest of my trip was downhill from there.  I always think it will be so wonderful to eat whatever I want and that I will totally enjoy it.  WRONG!  I always feel so guilty while I am cheating that it takes all the fun out of the experience.  So, after 4 days of eating whatever sounded good, I came home and promptly got back on plan.  I didn't weigh when I got home because I didn't want to feel even worse.  I do know this.  I am only 1 more pound down from my first week making a grand total of 7 pounds in 18 days.  The first time I did medifast I lost 9 pounds the first week.  So, obviously that little "bender" was SO NOT worth it.  In some ways I guess it was good for me to see just how much my actions effect this process and that I need to follow the rules or I won't see success.  So, tonight I am experimenting with something I am hoping is delicious!  If it is, I will share it asap!  Hope you all have a wonderful night, and know this...you get out what you put in...you reap what you sew...you are what you eat!!!

Things I Loved to Eat Today!

It has been a while since I have posted a KICK BUTT recipe, and tonight my friends, I am about to deliver! I stopped at the grocery store tonight after running errands hoping to be inspired.  I perused the refrigerated  salad dressings, and was struck with a recipe lightning bolt!  I picked up a bottle of Litehouse Thai Peanut dressing and thought...this would be perfect in a lettuce wrap recipe. So, here you are, my Spicy Thai Lettuce wrap recipe! The great thing about this recipe is that it works for the whole family.  I served it to my husband in tortillas instead of lettuce, cause he likes a tortilla with everything!  He gobbled it all up!

1/2 cup Thai Peanut dressing
Siracha Hot sauce to taste (I used about 2T)
1t Low Sodium Soy Sauce
1 lb Ground Turkey ( I used 99% fat free)
1/4 c chopped green onion
Broccoli Slaw (in the bagged salad section)
Lettuce Leaves Butter or Iceberg

Brown your ground turkey with the chopped green onion.  While that is cooking mix the dressing, hot sauce and soy sauce in a small bowl.  When your turkey is done browning mix in the sauce and let it simmer for a few minutes while you stir it all in.  Prepare your lettuce leaves and top them with the broccoli slaw and the turkey meat.  Wrap up and enjoy!

If you are on the Medifast plan, you may need to ad more veggies to this meal.  I use spinach in my morning shake so I don't need as many veggie servings with my dinner.

Ahhhh, quiet!

I have blogged a lot about that, "inner voice" that haunts me, tortures me, and for most of my life has been my constant companion.  I have come to a point lately where I let it rule me.  I was convinced that the voice was right, and that I was nothing.  It is amazing to me that in all the years I have struggled with this, it had never occurred to me that this voice was directly related to my anxiety about food.  I had always thought that the voice was a result of my bad habits.  Now I realize the voice is the reason for my bad habits.  I have consciously and subconsciously talked myself into being fat, depressed, and miserable.  This last three days on Medifast has been amazing.  Take the food away, take the temptation away, take the mistakes away, and guess what???  The voice goes away too.  The first day is tough and detoxing physically and mentally is hard, but today, day 3, I feel free.  I am remembering why I had such an easy time with this before.  Because for the first time in my life(since I was maybe 6) I have peace in my head.  The voice in my head is fed by my addiction to food...my addiction to food is driven by the voice in my head.  I have tried to knock out the voice in my head while still using food as a drug, and it never works.  I have tried to rebel and feel entitled to my addiction with out listening to the voice and it just ends up being louder and more cruel.  So, for me to overcome this addiction, and to have the time and space and peace that I need to heal, I must take away the drug...food.  Some people think its crazy.  I have even been told I am an extremist,  or that I will never be able to live this way.  Well, a lifetime on meal replacements is not the idea.  For ME, taking the food out of the equation just gives me some time to breath, loose the weight, get happy and learn what it is that has fed this demon for so long.

Today I feel energized, powerful, hopeful, thankful, and most of all, peaceful!  I believe in myself, I can do this!  I WILL do this!  And I would love to help others get there too.  I want to coach again, I am trying to get myself in a place where I can be as helpful as possible to those who choose to take this journey with me.  If you are reading this...and I have no clue who is...I would love to help you in any way I can.  Hopefully, my gutting it out on the world wide web can reach someone and help them feel a kinship.  Because I am someone who "gets" it!

Best idea EVER

I know I posted about this before, but seriously, I can't say enough about this idea!  I have a hard time eating the amount of veggies required each day, so this tip saves my life!  Not to mention that since I have been adding spinach to my morning shakes every day, my nails look better, my skin looks better, and my hair is shinier! 

It is as easy as 1-2-3!

1. Place fresh spinach in a blender with a bit of water

2. Blend until smooth

3. Pour in ice cube trays and freeze

I use 3 cubes of spinach per shake!  

ENJOY!!

And so it Begins!

As hard as I tried to loose the weight myself, I have been reminded why I turned to Medifast in the fist place, it works, and it takes away my temptation to use food as a drug.  As much as I crave balance in my life and balance in my diet, right now, I don't have the self control to do it on my own.  That was my favorite part about this program, it was the only time in my life I felt in control...I miss that.   So, here we go again!  I look forward to getting myself back, getting my control back, and having the time to really make some life changes this time!

Moving Sucks!

I am sorry I just haven't been able to find the time to blog lately.  Really for myself I have needed the release of getting it all "out" but, I just haven't had spare time.  So far, we LOVE Spokane.  We feel so lucky to be here.  We are all starting to adjust and I think we are really going to find ourselves putting down some roots here.  I got invited to a moms night out, YAY!  It has been a while since I have really been out with friends and I am starting to think I no longer have the skills to make new friends.  But I am really excited and looking forward to a good old fashioned girls night!

As far as food goes, it has kind of been a mixed bag.  85% of the time, I am good.  I have been pretty true to my meal replacement program, with a few cheats here and there, but nothing crazy, and nowhere near the kinds of benders I usually go on.  I have not really lost any weight yet however, and even after 2 weeks of solid gym attendance, I am still seeing the number on the scale stay the same.  I have decided to finish up with the Wonderslim food, and then if I don't see an improvement, I will go back to Medifast.  I like the taste of Wonderslim much better, but I am a results girl, and I need to see some fruits for my labors ya know??  Also, Medifast always made me feel good, and I always had a lot of energy.  I am not really feeling that way with Wonderslim, but I think it has been a good way to ease back into the replacement lifestyle.

As I mentioned, I joined the Anytime Fitness by my house and have been going 3 days a week at 5am. I have read in many books that during weight loss you don't want to over do it at the gym.  The reason for this is because after you get to your goal weight, you want to be able to maintain your lifestyle.  If you start out going balls to the wall, where do you have to go from there?  Also, I am doing full body weights and circuit training, and you really don't want to work the same muscles two days in a row.  It is proven that weight lifting and circuit training can trigger your body to continue to burn for up to 48 hours after your workout!!  So, as part of my goal to make this a lifestyle and not a punishment, I feel like 3 good, hard days at the gym is plenty.  On my days off, I am trying to be more active and get some calories burned just by having a less sedentary lifestyle than I am used to.  Heck, I have three flights of stairs in my new house, by this time next year I should have the legs of a super model right?!?!  I do love the gym, and I am remembering why I loved to go, and also, why going so early made me happy.  I love coming home to a house full of sleeping family and getting a little alone time before my day starts!!

I am trying really hard to stay positive, and to spend less time punishing myself.  Some days that means taking a break from the rigid food schedule and enjoying a pizza night with my family.  I really don't want my kids to remember me as some weirdo around food who always made meals uncomfortable.  My goal is to find balance, and that is so hard for me.  I am really good at bingeing, and I am also really good at restriction...it's that middle ground that has always given me trouble!!

So, upward and onward I guess!  I feel good about where I am right now.  I feel close to balance.  Definitely still some things to work on, but I can say I am making an honest effort to get there!

Motivation

So, my amazing, rock star husband was in a competition at work.  For three months he has been working his cute little fanny off to win said competition.  When we got transferred at the very end of the competition we thought he wouldn't stand a chance of winning since he had to take a whole week of to move thus loosing a weeks worth of sales floor time.  Wellllllll...HE WON!!!  He is one of the few chosen from the entire company to take his wife on a CRUISE!  The company is paying for everything and I am so proud and excited I can hardly stand it!  He is so amazing and he is constantly making waves at work and showing everyone just how amazing he really is!

A cruise...on a boat...with other people from the company and their wives...and sun...water........swimming suits....dinner....formal wear....oh boy!  It took a day or two for it to sink in that I really didn't want my first cruise experience to be clouded by my horrible self image.  It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  And then I started praying that they weren't sending us right away, and that I would have some time to slim down.  Everyone I have mentioned that to has said, "oh my gosh, you are so silly".  But am I?  Is it so crazy to want to fully enjoy this amazing gift we have been given without the crazy inner voice ruining all my fun?  Is it so crazy to want to feel confident when I meet other wives and company big wigs?  I think not, and to my relief, we are not going until February some time.  I am so thrilled.  I have a new goal, and new motivation!  I am doing great so far.  I have had a couple of days that were a bit shaky but nothing crazy.  Of course I had to make a giant meal and dessert to celebrate such a huge accomplishment for my Husband!  Luckily, his favorite dessert is Pumpkin Pie and I can barely stomach the stuff, so that is what I made...no temptation there!  I did however down 3 home made rolls!  No biggy!  4 months is going to fly and I can't wait!

What's in a name?

I have felt for sometime now that I wanted to rename my blog.  When I started blogging, it was more fun, witty and goofy.  But as it has evolved, and as I have evolved, I feel like my blog deserves a more serious name.  I haven't really come up with anything that feels right just yet, I am open for suggestions, or even just words that you feel describe this blog.  But, keep your eyes open, cause a change is on the horizon!

Hellllloooooo???

I'm back!  It has been the craziest 3 weeks, let me tell you!  I won't bore you with all of the details, but let me just say, I have not felt that kind of stress in a looonnng time!  But alas, we are here in beautiful Spokane Valley Washington and we are about 60% moved into our house!  I usually get all jacked up on Diet Coke and unpack for like 48 straight hours.  I usually have all of my pictures hung, closets organized, decorations placed, and all of my furniture in place no more than a week after we are moved in.  This time...things are a bit different.  I have a baby who makes crazy messes everywhere she goes.  Bless her heart, she is a needy baby and likes to be joined at my hip if her eyes are open!  So it has been a lot harder getting things done.  Also, I told my husband that if he was going to ask me to move our family twice across 3 states in less than 7 months, the least he could do was buy me some new stuff once we got here!  So, I am patiently waiting to decorate until I am able to buy some new fun pieces.

So, with all of that going on I was not a very good girl.  I did a lot of stress eating, a lot of fast food over the two days we were traveling here.  A lot of continental breakfast food while we lived in a hotel, and a lot of pizza the first few nights we were in our house and didn't have our kitchen un-packed.  However.  The SECOND we were unpacked in the kitchen, I got back under control, and I had a perfect week last week!  I have not weighed myself however.  I always like to give myself a few weeks to get back on track and loose the pounds I inevitably gained during my bender so that I don't panic and throw my scale against a wall!

The other reason is this; I am trying really hard to change my thought process about this journey.  I am reading an amazing book that an old roommate of mine suggested to me after she read my blog.  It is called "Remembering Wholeness".  There is no way I could begin to tell you about this book on this blog.  It is really life changing and I suggest you all read it.  She is very religious and uses scripture and spirituality to support her theories.  What I am getting from this is that I must take the victim mentality I have lived in my entire adult life and throw it away.  I must change my thoughts from what I don't want, to what I do want.  I must trade in negativity for positivity.  Take those things in your life that have triggered you and throw them out!  The scale can be a great way to feel rewarded.  But I have used it as a way to punish myself.  I seriously used to weigh every single day.  And if i was up even an ounce, I would punish myself, cry, throw a fit, and then feel completely defeated the rest of the day.  But it didn't stop there.  If I hadn't lost enough, I had the same reaction.  I was only satisfied if I lost a significant amount in the last 24 hours.  It was crazy abusive and I am over it!

I am learning so much from this book and I am so excited to learn as much as I can from it and see my life change!  I am excited to be back on the ole blog.  I see that my efforts to start a contest kind of flopped.  It's ok.  I still feel strongly about the reasons I do this.  And in the last few weeks a few of my readers have reached out to me and I can't even tell you how fulfilling it is to know I was able to help someone feel less alone.  I may not know all of you, but I love you.  That may seem strange.  But when I write these posts.  I feel inspired.  Sometimes, I write things I didn't intend to write.  I hope my words reach the person they need to reach (besides me!) and that you feel my love through my words.  I feel like those of us who struggle with these issues need to band together.  We are a family!  I really feel that way.  Women can help heal each other, it's in our nature!

So, take my advice, read the book, carry on, and have a blessed day!

{A}

Ok, so I know I said I was moving and wouldn't be blogging....but, my husband took my son to get some ice cream, and I find myself enjoying a minute to myself.  So, in the next couple of days I will be on the road, and without the internet.  I was thinking, I know people read this because I see my stats.  But, I only have 28 followers.  I would like to try to get some other health related blogs to team up with me, but I need to show more interest in my blog.  How do ya'all feel about a giveaway??  If I can reach 100 followers, I will do a giveaway for $25 to spend at my Perfectly Posh website!!!  So, how to enter:

1. Leave a comment

2. Pin any post from this blog on your pinterest wall

3. Share this blog on Facebook, twitter, google+. whichever social media you partake in!

4. Become a follower if you aren't already!

I know we can do it!  Good Luck and share share share!!

Check out THIS blog for the best idea ever.  If you are into green smoothies like I am, this will seriously change your life!! 

Saucey!

Sauce making has always kind of intimidated me.  Milk and cheese scorch too fast, tomato sauce is hard to get the right balance for, I never seem to have the right spices.  Well, in the process of our move I was trying desperately to use up everything I possibly could in my fridge and freezer so I didn't have to pack frozen food across the state.  I came up with a little sauce on the spot and I must say, it was pretty legit! I didn't have everything for pesto, and I didn't have everything for spaghetti sauce but I had a ton of spinach to get rid of so here is what I came up with.

Tomato Basil Pesto Sauce

1 can canned whole tomato 

3 cups fresh baby spinach

1 tbs olive oil

2 packets Truvia

3 cloves garlic

1 tbs dried basil

salt and pepper to taste

Place all ingredients in a food processor and blend until smooth.  Pour sauce in a saucepan and bring to a boil over medium high heat.  Reduce heat and simmer for 5 mins.

I browned up some Italian seasoned ground turkey breast, cooked some whole wheat noodles and mixed this all up in a large bowl them topped it with a little freshly grated parmesan cheese!  It was AHMAZING!  I hope you like it too!

Enjoy!

We're Moving

My life has been a lot of things...calm has never been one of them.  We just moved here to Medford Oregon in February and we received a call tonight that we are being transferred to Spokane Washington.  We are thrilled and it is a big promotion for my husband.  I have oh, 16 DAYS to find a place, pack, clean, and move my family out of state.  Needless to say, I am going to take a little break from the blog.  But, as soon as I have a spare second, I will update you all on our adventure!  Wish me luck!

Shhhhhhhhhh!

{Disclaimer}

I have said before that no matter what, I am honest on this blog.  It has taken me almost a week to write this post.  My hope is always that someone reading this will feel less alone in their struggle.  I know this is not a fun, witty post.  I know this may be hard for some readers to process, understand or relate to.  I am also aware that there will be some people who read this who know me very well and may feel shocked, or hurt by this post.  I have never hidden things from the people I love with the intention to hurt them.  I just, have never been brave enough to expose this part of myself until now.  My hope is that someone, somewhere, at some time, can relate.  I am only doing this, exposing the most raw part of myself, so that I can reach someone else.  In my 20 year struggle with self worth, I have never felt like there was anyone I could confide in.  I never had a confidant.  I pray that by opening up, someone out there will feel like I am that person who could understand their pain, and that their burden might be lightened.

 There is one major part of my battle that I have never shared before. Part of the reason I have not done so was because I hadn't even shared it with my husband and I didn't want him to find out.  Another reason is that I have buried this part of my life so deep, and it is so ingrained into who I am.  I am afraid of digging it up. What will I find? In an effort to rid myself of this darkness and it's crushing oppression, I confessed to my husband secrets I have kept my entire life...from everyone.  I have mastered the art of looking confident and appearing to have it all together.  I have always been a person that other people came to for advice.  I am great at telling others how to solve their problems.  I have achieved great things in my life, and had a lot of people fooled.  I have had everyone fooled.  The person he thought he knew, is a fake.  I am a fake.  He was stunned, to say the least.  I am not really  sure he was able to process that the person he has known and loved for 13 years harbored such dark feelings and secrets.  We haven't really even talked about it since the night I told him.  He was frightened, and he expressed concern that I would pass this burden on to our children.  I know he would never express it to me, but I can't help but wonder if he sees me differently.  Because the truth is I am very weak, and easily intimidated, and most of all incredibly self destructive.  I promised him I would seek some help, and that I would be more open and honest in the future.  So here I am, being about as open and honest as I have ever been...on the world wide web!

I am not exactly sure when, how, or why it started but ever since I can remember I have had a very cruel inner voice. I have referred to it before on this blog as my demon, but it is much more than that. Over the years this hateful presence has become my constant companion. I don't remember a time in my life that I haven't heard it. Some times it's louder than others.  I have journals from 2nd grade that have the most self abusive writing in them.  How does a child so young hate themselves so much?  I remember at that young age believing I was worthless, believing no one could ever truly care for me (outside of my family of course!)  I came from a loving home where I was praised and encouraged, but somehow I learned to hate myself, and this merciless inner dialogue was born.  I guess this is probably where my eating disorder began as well.  I have sad memories about food from as far back as I can remember. I knew early on in my life that my body was different and I learned to despise those differences.  I felt like I had no power to control them or change them. I have no memories of being abused, or of any trauma that could cause me to have such low self worth.  I think I had a pretty normal childhood.  

 A few times in my life during periods of severe food restriction, the demon has been almost non existent, yet still whispering from the back of my brain.  However, as soon as I return to normal eating habits, it returns.  Once it returns, I am catapulted back into the addiction/rebellion/binge cycle. At that point, the voice overpowers every other desire, emotion, and memory. I have very few memories that aren't clouded by the negative voice that lives in my head.  My wedding day was a cluster of negative dialogue running through my head.  The births of both of my children are tainted by my loathing for the way I look in the pictures.  I actually had a psych evaluation after the birth of my daughter (which I kept a secret) because I freaked out big time after I saw my body in the mirror at the hospital.   These should have been some of the happiest days of my life.  But they are clouded by my self hatred...and they are not the only memories that have been ruined. I will see shows on TV, or read books, or talk to people who say positive thinking is the key. "Believe it and you can achieve it"...right??? So why can't I silence that part of me that is SCREAMING "You are worthless", "You are disgusting", "You are the fattest person in this room", "Everyone is staring at you", "who could possibly love you?" In all the years I have dieted...20 to be exact, I have never fully conquered this demon. I am not even sure that I can.  Not even medication could conquer it.  No amount of prayer could take it away. At this point it is ingrained in my life. 20 years...since I was 9 this has been part of me.  On bad days I attack myself maybe 75-100 times.  Whenever I look in the mirror, which, I have become a master at avoiding, I do it.  When I look at a magazine, I do it.  When I should be enjoying time with my family...I do it. Whenever I go into a new situation with new people, my inner voice is at its worst.  But the hardest time for me is around meal time, or when I over indulge.

 I think because I have never had the extreme outer physical appearance of a person with an eating disorder, I have never felt comfortable labeling myself that way.  I have never been 400 pounds, and I have never been 80 pounds, so I haven't felt that I was entitled to the feelings that plagued me.  I have always placed the blame on myself.  If I just had more self control, if I could just get a handle on things, if I could only wake up earlier and work out harder, and eat less, and endure hunger better, and learn to love food I despise, and to despise food that I love...if only...if only...if only...blame...blame...blame. The battle is raging and it is constant.

I have searched myself trying to find the reason that I turn to food. Again, my story lacks the usual abuse or trauma that is found amongst most woman with eating disorders.  I came from a loving home with both parents present and a father who was very kind.  The only conclusion that I can come to is that I was taught to associate eating with being fat.  I was raised in the 80's.  Whose mother wasn't on a diet in the 80's right??  My mother fought her own battles with self esteem and body image.  There weren't the tools back then and we didn't have the knowledge we have today.  I think naturally my mom feared for her daughters to struggle with their bodies as she had, and so she may have unintentionally planted that seed in me.  I do not blame her.  She did the best with what she knew. She is the only other person in my life who has seen into this part of me.  I am sure it terrified her.  I am sure she must have been so worried.  I look at my own daughter.  My beautiful baby girl...and I wonder; how, after all these years of struggle, will I teach her to love herself?  How can I possibly teach her when I lack the tools?  I don't want to damage her, but I don't want to see her suffer either.  How would I react if in the next few years she begins to plump up?  Not out of shame towards her, but out of fear that she will suffer as I have suffered?  When I put myself in that position, I can understand my own mother better.

So, before this becomes an autobiography...I will wrap it up and say this; I am on a journey.  I have been on a journey for a long long time.  I am turning 30 next month...I am too old to carry this burden any longer.  I want to be free...I want peace.  Real peace.  I have not had one day...not even one day where I have truly felt peace.  I want that to change.  I want silence up there in the ole noggin!  I have always felt like there is another woman trapped inside of me, the woman God intended for me to become.  She is strong, powerful, confident, kind, and peaceful.  I want her to emerge.  I know she is in there, she's buried pretty deep as of now, but she is in there.  Sometimes, I think she looks like that weird dying soul at the train station on the last Harry Potter movie, but at least she is holding on!

And so the next leg of this journey begins.  Self cleansing, self healing, self forgiving, self loving.  That is my new mantra, and those are words I have never before been able to learn.  But, now is my time.  I feel lighter already.  I feel like sharing has lifted some of the burden.  I hope that if you are reading this, and feel like you need someone to reach out to, you know I am here for you.  I truly believe that as women, we can lift each other up and help each other heal.

I was watching the Oprah Lifeclass with Iyanla yesterday and she said something that struck a chord with me (actually, it made me bawl like a baby!) She said, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."  I don't really know who I am yet, but I know what I can become...and when I become her...watch out world!