Nov 16, 2015
I hate writing in a journal. I don't write very well anymore, and I really don't have time. I want to use my blog as a way of journaling, but it is so hard most days to find the time to sit down and blog. Life has been so nuts this last year and I have kind of gotten lost in it all. And by that I don't just mean I have been busy, or overwhelmed, I mean, I am lost. The person I am, the person I want to be. I don't really know who I am anymore. I live to serve my kids and my husband and my church. I don't take care of my own needs very often and now I find myself spending a lot of time alone, in bed, sad, lazy, eating, numbing, loathing. I wish I had the energy to be a good mom and a fit mom, and a healthy mom and an involved wife. I wish I was more in touch with my sexuality. I wish I didn't loathe my own body so much that I hate even putting on clothes that aren't sweats. The problem here isn't that I don't know the problem, it's that I don't have any idea how to fix it. I am wellllll aware of my issues and my shortcomings and my road blocks. I just can't seem to win any battles to overcome them, get around them, heal from them. 12 step didn't seem to make me feel better. Therapy is a good place to vent, but I don't feel better yet. Talking about my issues with friends and family is cathartic, but not healing. I spend every evening planning how to eat healthy the next day only to wake up feeling utterly out of control before I even eat breakfast. Today I have eaten more calories than I get for a whole day and it's only 3:00. I have prayed and prayed for answers and yet, nothing comes. I don't feel stronger. I never feel in control. I honestly don't see a time when I will not behave this way. How am I ever going to overcome this? Am I just meant for sadness?? Am I supposed to stay fat? Am I destined for illness and disease caused by my eating habits? None of that seems to be a motivator for me to pull it together. I used to blame myself for a lack of self control. But that isn't the problem. I have NO control. I can't control my thoughts, my actions, my emotions or my feelings. I just want someone to come to me and say, here is what you need to do/read/eat/say. Here is what to pray for. Here is a program that will help you loose weight and feel better. I know everyone wishes it was that easy, I'm not alone in that. I think for me right now, I need to make one tiny goal. Something easy that I can do. It may sound super silly, but I think that goal is going to be to make my bed every day. It sounds simple, but I think that if my bed is made a few other things will happen. 1. I won't get back in it until bed time. 2. I will be motivated to clean up other parts of the house. I think if I can have a little bit of success, I will feel motivated to take on other goals. My big one that I really would like to achieve is to cut out all sugar and white flour. I tell myself every day I am going to do it, but I loose all control early in the morning. I know it will help me feel better. Kind of like making my bed. I know that if I can cut out those two things from my diet, I might feel motivated to make other healthy changes!