It has been a rough week. I have been battling insomnia and serious depression for a couple of months now. This week it seems to have all come to a head. I spent a few days in bed feeling like I couldn't physically move. My mind willing my body to get up and get dressed, brush my teeth, take a shower, but my body refusing to cooperate. It always sounds like a good idea to stay in bed for days, but usually by the end of the first day I feel even more depressed. I start to feel like a big worthless blob. My kids suffer, my house suffers, my self esteem suffers. It isn't as relaxing as it would seem. Depression is more than just feeling sad. When someone says they "suffer from depression," they are truly suffering. I have sat on my floor sobbing, begging God to get me out of the darkness. The physical aspects are sometimes painful, and exhausting. It really is suffering. The hardest part is that most of the time those of us with depression suffer it alone. No one wants to be labeled as crazy or as a charity case. I don't want to burden anyone else with my sorrow. I confide in a few people that I trust, but when things are at their darkest, I don't feel like I can reach out in front of my face let alone reach out to someone else for help. Last night after days of feeling low, I knelt in prayer and asked my Father in Heaven to deliver me. I got up, went downstairs did a load of dishes, came back upstairs and folded a bunch of laundry. I felt better, not perfect, but better. Today, I woke up, showered, brushed my teeth, put on some makeup and left the house. It's amazing how doing those easy things makes a difference. The sun was out, I got some groceries, had a friend over and on top of it all, I tracked my food and stayed under budget! God really had my back today. I still battled some anxiety, my kids still drove me a little nuts, but I didn't eat about it, and I had the Grace of God helping me stay calm. I don't know why I forget to pray. When I am at my darkest, why do I forget that I can pray and ask for help? Satan tells me no one cares, God doesn't hear me and I will never be well. I went back to 12 step on Sunday. I didn't share, I just sat and listened. It is so refreshing to hear the testimonies of these brave beautiful women who truly understand my pain. They inspire me.
Today, I did well. Today I felt better. Today I saw the sunshine and I basked in it. There are times when I get glimpses of who I can be. I see a woman who enjoys her life if for only a moment, and I love her. I want to nurture her and bring her forward. I know God did not create me to be sad and depressed. I have potential to be great.