Dec 6, 2012


I am in an experimental mood lately! Tonight I made a brownie/cookie combo and it was lovely! I stopped ordering the brownies a long time ago because they have coffee in them and in my faith we refrain from drinking coffee. So I was craving chocolate tonight and this really hit the spot! Tip: I have discovered that most everything cooks better in a ramekin dish rather than the provided trays.


1 pack Medifast chocolate chip cookie bake
1/2 t vanilla
1 t cocoa
1/2 packet truvia
2 T cold water

Blend well and place on a ramekin or a mug. Microwave for 70-90 seconds.


Dec 5, 2012

Stroke of Medifast GENIUS!

I did a lot of research yesterday about different ways to get creative with my meals.  I saw a video on YouTube that inspired me and here is what I came up with!!  I hope you love it as much as I do!

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cake

1 pack each of Chocolate Chip Cookie Bake and Spice Pancakes 
1/4 t baking soda
1/2 packet Truvia
1/2 t pumpkin pie spice 
1/4 t Cinnamon
1 T sugar free Caramel Flavor Syrup(optional)
1/4 c + 2 T COLD water(or +1T if you use syrup)

Blend together in a bowl with a wire whisk
Divide into equal parts 
pour into provided trays
microwave the one you intend to use right away for about 1 min 5 seconds
put the other one in the fridge. 
the refridgerated one will need to cook for longer.  Mine took about 90 seconds.  Keep an eye on it and once it is done rising in the dish, it should be close to done.  Microwave ovens vary, so just watch it.  You don't want to over cook it!


Dec 4, 2012

Things I loved to eat today!

One of my biggest faults during my 5&1 stage is that I kind of just eat to survive.  I stop getting creative with the lean and green meals and just eat the right portions of meat and veggies without actually making anything anyone else in my house would want to eat.  This causes a few problems.  1) I get bored and stop looking forward to that one "real" meal per day. 2) I end up cooking two separate meals for me and for my family. 3) My husband sometimes is on his own when I don't want to cook twice in one night!  So, today I spent some time online getting inspired and I found some amazing sites with some really creative recipes.  But for tonight I had to come up with something out of the ingredients I had on hand.  I came up with this recipe and I thought it turned out great!  I have been experimenting with kale after reading THIS article. So I added some to the mix!!  Obviously if you are not on the medifast program, you would want to change a few things like using a ground turkey with a higher fat content and maybe using pre made marinara if you are short on time.  For my family I added some whole wheat noodles and they loved it!
   I hope you enjoy!!

Green Meatballs

1lb extra lean ground turkey
3 leaves of kale with the spines cut out
1 t garlic salt
2 t onion powder
(I din't have any real onion, but you could also do that)
1 T Mrs. Dash Tomato Basil Garlic seasoning
1 t salt
3 t olive oil
(since you get 2 fat servings for using extra lean turkey, I used one of those to add some healthy fat to the meatballs)

Run the kale through your blender or food processor until it is finely chopped
Add kale, turkey, oil and spices in a bowl and mix with your hands
shape into about 18 balls and place on a lightly greased cookie sheet
bake for about 15-20 mins at 350 degrees
(I cooked mine the full 20 and they were a touch overdone.  Since these are green, it was hard to tell.  I would check them at 15 mins)

Serving for Medifast users is 7 oz cooked meatballs=about 7

Marinara sauce

1 can whole tomato
(I used canned because I didn't have fresh)
1 can tomato sauce
1 T Mrs. Dash Tomato Basil Garlic seasoning
1 t garlic powder
2 t onion powder
1 t salt

Stir all ingredients together and bring to a boil.  Cover and let simmer for about 30 mins.  
1/4 cup per serving for Medifast users= 1 green

I served mine with a few black olives chopped up and sprinkled over the balls and sauce and about 1 cup of broiled asparagus.  It was delicious!  


So NOT worth it!

Say whaaaaa?  What could she mean??  What is so NOT worth it?  I'll tell you...CHEATING!!!  I went home to Idaho for Thanksgiving and for the first couple of days I did really well.  I stayed on plan for every meal except dinner and even then I ate a lot less than I normally would.  I was feeling really good until the actual Thanksgiving feast. I don't know what came over me, but I kind of lost it.  It wasn't that I went overboard so much at that one meal, but the little bit I cheated at that meal opened the flood gates and the rest of my trip was downhill from there.  I always think it will be so wonderful to eat whatever I want and that I will totally enjoy it.  WRONG!  I always feel so guilty while I am cheating that it takes all the fun out of the experience.  So, after 4 days of eating whatever sounded good, I came home and promptly got back on plan.  I didn't weigh when I got home because I didn't want to feel even worse.  I do know this.  I am only 1 more pound down from my first week making a grand total of 7 pounds in 18 days.  The first time I did medifast I lost 9 pounds the first week.  So, obviously that little "bender" was SO NOT worth it.  In some ways I guess it was good for me to see just how much my actions effect this process and that I need to follow the rules or I won't see success.  So, tonight I am experimenting with something I am hoping is delicious!  If it is, I will share it asap!  Hope you all have a wonderful night, and know get out what you put reap what you are what you eat!!!

Nov 20, 2012

Things I Loved to Eat Today!

It has been a while since I have posted a KICK BUTT recipe, and tonight my friends, I am about to deliver! I stopped at the grocery store tonight after running errands hoping to be inspired.  I perused the refrigerated  salad dressings, and was struck with a recipe lightning bolt!  I picked up a bottle of Litehouse Thai Peanut dressing and thought...this would be perfect in a lettuce wrap recipe. So, here you are, my Spicy Thai Lettuce wrap recipe! The great thing about this recipe is that it works for the whole family.  I served it to my husband in tortillas instead of lettuce, cause he likes a tortilla with everything!  He gobbled it all up!

1/2 cup Thai Peanut dressing
Siracha Hot sauce to taste (I used about 2T)
1t Low Sodium Soy Sauce
1 lb Ground Turkey ( I used 99% fat free)
1/4 c chopped green onion
Broccoli Slaw (in the bagged salad section)
Lettuce Leaves Butter or Iceberg

Brown your ground turkey with the chopped green onion.  While that is cooking mix the dressing, hot sauce and soy sauce in a small bowl.  When your turkey is done browning mix in the sauce and let it simmer for a few minutes while you stir it all in.  Prepare your lettuce leaves and top them with the broccoli slaw and the turkey meat.  Wrap up and enjoy!

If you are on the Medifast plan, you may need to ad more veggies to this meal.  I use spinach in my morning shake so I don't need as many veggie servings with my dinner.

Nov 19, 2012

Ahhhh, quiet!

I have blogged a lot about that, "inner voice" that haunts me, tortures me, and for most of my life has been my constant companion.  I have come to a point lately where I let it rule me.  I was convinced that the voice was right, and that I was nothing.  It is amazing to me that in all the years I have struggled with this, it had never occurred to me that this voice was directly related to my anxiety about food.  I had always thought that the voice was a result of my bad habits.  Now I realize the voice is the reason for my bad habits.  I have consciously and subconsciously talked myself into being fat, depressed, and miserable.  This last three days on Medifast has been amazing.  Take the food away, take the temptation away, take the mistakes away, and guess what???  The voice goes away too.  The first day is tough and detoxing physically and mentally is hard, but today, day 3, I feel free.  I am remembering why I had such an easy time with this before.  Because for the first time in my life(since I was maybe 6) I have peace in my head.  The voice in my head is fed by my addiction to addiction to food is driven by the voice in my head.  I have tried to knock out the voice in my head while still using food as a drug, and it never works.  I have tried to rebel and feel entitled to my addiction with out listening to the voice and it just ends up being louder and more cruel.  So, for me to overcome this addiction, and to have the time and space and peace that I need to heal, I must take away the  Some people think its crazy.  I have even been told I am an extremist,  or that I will never be able to live this way.  Well, a lifetime on meal replacements is not the idea.  For ME, taking the food out of the equation just gives me some time to breath, loose the weight, get happy and learn what it is that has fed this demon for so long.

Today I feel energized, powerful, hopeful, thankful, and most of all, peaceful!  I believe in myself, I can do this!  I WILL do this!  And I would love to help others get there too.  I want to coach again, I am trying to get myself in a place where I can be as helpful as possible to those who choose to take this journey with me.  If you are reading this...and I have no clue who is...I would love to help you in any way I can.  Hopefully, my gutting it out on the world wide web can reach someone and help them feel a kinship.  Because I am someone who "gets" it!

Nov 17, 2012

Best idea EVER

I know I posted about this before, but seriously, I can't say enough about this idea!  I have a hard time eating the amount of veggies required each day, so this tip saves my life!  Not to mention that since I have been adding spinach to my morning shakes every day, my nails look better, my skin looks better, and my hair is shinier! 

It is as easy as 1-2-3!

1. Place fresh spinach in a blender with a bit of water
2. Blend until smooth
3. Pour in ice cube trays and freeze

I use 3 cubes of spinach per shake!  


Nov 16, 2012

And so it Begins!

As hard as I tried to loose the weight myself, I have been reminded why I turned to Medifast in the fist place, it works, and it takes away my temptation to use food as a drug.  As much as I crave balance in my life and balance in my diet, right now, I don't have the self control to do it on my own.  That was my favorite part about this program, it was the only time in my life I felt in control...I miss that.   So, here we go again!  I look forward to getting myself back, getting my control back, and having the time to really make some life changes this time!

Oct 20, 2012

Moving Sucks!

I am sorry I just haven't been able to find the time to blog lately.  Really for myself I have needed the release of getting it all "out" but, I just haven't had spare time.  So far, we LOVE Spokane.  We feel so lucky to be here.  We are all starting to adjust and I think we are really going to find ourselves putting down some roots here.  I got invited to a moms night out, YAY!  It has been a while since I have really been out with friends and I am starting to think I no longer have the skills to make new friends.  But I am really excited and looking forward to a good old fashioned girls night!

As far as food goes, it has kind of been a mixed bag.  85% of the time, I am good.  I have been pretty true to my meal replacement program, with a few cheats here and there, but nothing crazy, and nowhere near the kinds of benders I usually go on.  I have not really lost any weight yet however, and even after 2 weeks of solid gym attendance, I am still seeing the number on the scale stay the same.  I have decided to finish up with the Wonderslim food, and then if I don't see an improvement, I will go back to Medifast.  I like the taste of Wonderslim much better, but I am a results girl, and I need to see some fruits for my labors ya know??  Also, Medifast always made me feel good, and I always had a lot of energy.  I am not really feeling that way with Wonderslim, but I think it has been a good way to ease back into the replacement lifestyle.

As I mentioned, I joined the Anytime Fitness by my house and have been going 3 days a week at 5am. I have read in many books that during weight loss you don't want to over do it at the gym.  The reason for this is because after you get to your goal weight, you want to be able to maintain your lifestyle.  If you start out going balls to the wall, where do you have to go from there?  Also, I am doing full body weights and circuit training, and you really don't want to work the same muscles two days in a row.  It is proven that weight lifting and circuit training can trigger your body to continue to burn for up to 48 hours after your workout!!  So, as part of my goal to make this a lifestyle and not a punishment, I feel like 3 good, hard days at the gym is plenty.  On my days off, I am trying to be more active and get some calories burned just by having a less sedentary lifestyle than I am used to.  Heck, I have three flights of stairs in my new house, by this time next year I should have the legs of a super model right?!?!  I do love the gym, and I am remembering why I loved to go, and also, why going so early made me happy.  I love coming home to a house full of sleeping family and getting a little alone time before my day starts!!

I am trying really hard to stay positive, and to spend less time punishing myself.  Some days that means taking a break from the rigid food schedule and enjoying a pizza night with my family.  I really don't want my kids to remember me as some weirdo around food who always made meals uncomfortable.  My goal is to find balance, and that is so hard for me.  I am really good at bingeing, and I am also really good at's that middle ground that has always given me trouble!!

So, upward and onward I guess!  I feel good about where I am right now.  I feel close to balance.  Definitely still some things to work on, but I can say I am making an honest effort to get there!

Oct 6, 2012


So, my amazing, rock star husband was in a competition at work.  For three months he has been working his cute little fanny off to win said competition.  When we got transferred at the very end of the competition we thought he wouldn't stand a chance of winning since he had to take a whole week of to move thus loosing a weeks worth of sales floor time.  Wellllllll...HE WON!!!  He is one of the few chosen from the entire company to take his wife on a CRUISE!  The company is paying for everything and I am so proud and excited I can hardly stand it!  He is so amazing and he is constantly making waves at work and showing everyone just how amazing he really is!

A cruise...on a boat...with other people from the company and their wives...and sun...water........swimming suits....dinner....formal wear....oh boy!  It took a day or two for it to sink in that I really didn't want my first cruise experience to be clouded by my horrible self image.  It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  And then I started praying that they weren't sending us right away, and that I would have some time to slim down.  Everyone I have mentioned that to has said, "oh my gosh, you are so silly".  But am I?  Is it so crazy to want to fully enjoy this amazing gift we have been given without the crazy inner voice ruining all my fun?  Is it so crazy to want to feel confident when I meet other wives and company big wigs?  I think not, and to my relief, we are not going until February some time.  I am so thrilled.  I have a new goal, and new motivation!  I am doing great so far.  I have had a couple of days that were a bit shaky but nothing crazy.  Of course I had to make a giant meal and dessert to celebrate such a huge accomplishment for my Husband!  Luckily, his favorite dessert is Pumpkin Pie and I can barely stomach the stuff, so that is what I temptation there!  I did however down 3 home made rolls!  No biggy!  4 months is going to fly and I can't wait!

Oct 1, 2012

What's in a name?

I have felt for sometime now that I wanted to rename my blog.  When I started blogging, it was more fun, witty and goofy.  But as it has evolved, and as I have evolved, I feel like my blog deserves a more serious name.  I haven't really come up with anything that feels right just yet, I am open for suggestions, or even just words that you feel describe this blog.  But, keep your eyes open, cause a change is on the horizon!


I'm back!  It has been the craziest 3 weeks, let me tell you!  I won't bore you with all of the details, but let me just say, I have not felt that kind of stress in a looonnng time!  But alas, we are here in beautiful Spokane Valley Washington and we are about 60% moved into our house!  I usually get all jacked up on Diet Coke and unpack for like 48 straight hours.  I usually have all of my pictures hung, closets organized, decorations placed, and all of my furniture in place no more than a week after we are moved in.  This time...things are a bit different.  I have a baby who makes crazy messes everywhere she goes.  Bless her heart, she is a needy baby and likes to be joined at my hip if her eyes are open!  So it has been a lot harder getting things done.  Also, I told my husband that if he was going to ask me to move our family twice across 3 states in less than 7 months, the least he could do was buy me some new stuff once we got here!  So, I am patiently waiting to decorate until I am able to buy some new fun pieces.

So, with all of that going on I was not a very good girl.  I did a lot of stress eating, a lot of fast food over the two days we were traveling here.  A lot of continental breakfast food while we lived in a hotel, and a lot of pizza the first few nights we were in our house and didn't have our kitchen un-packed.  However.  The SECOND we were unpacked in the kitchen, I got back under control, and I had a perfect week last week!  I have not weighed myself however.  I always like to give myself a few weeks to get back on track and loose the pounds I inevitably gained during my bender so that I don't panic and throw my scale against a wall!

The other reason is this; I am trying really hard to change my thought process about this journey.  I am reading an amazing book that an old roommate of mine suggested to me after she read my blog.  It is called "Remembering Wholeness".  There is no way I could begin to tell you about this book on this blog.  It is really life changing and I suggest you all read it.  She is very religious and uses scripture and spirituality to support her theories.  What I am getting from this is that I must take the victim mentality I have lived in my entire adult life and throw it away.  I must change my thoughts from what I don't want, to what I do want.  I must trade in negativity for positivity.  Take those things in your life that have triggered you and throw them out!  The scale can be a great way to feel rewarded.  But I have used it as a way to punish myself.  I seriously used to weigh every single day.  And if i was up even an ounce, I would punish myself, cry, throw a fit, and then feel completely defeated the rest of the day.  But it didn't stop there.  If I hadn't lost enough, I had the same reaction.  I was only satisfied if I lost a significant amount in the last 24 hours.  It was crazy abusive and I am over it!

I am learning so much from this book and I am so excited to learn as much as I can from it and see my life change!  I am excited to be back on the ole blog.  I see that my efforts to start a contest kind of flopped.  It's ok.  I still feel strongly about the reasons I do this.  And in the last few weeks a few of my readers have reached out to me and I can't even tell you how fulfilling it is to know I was able to help someone feel less alone.  I may not know all of you, but I love you.  That may seem strange.  But when I write these posts.  I feel inspired.  Sometimes, I write things I didn't intend to write.  I hope my words reach the person they need to reach (besides me!) and that you feel my love through my words.  I feel like those of us who struggle with these issues need to band together.  We are a family!  I really feel that way.  Women can help heal each other, it's in our nature!

So, take my advice, read the book, carry on, and have a blessed day!


Sep 14, 2012

Ok, so I know I said I was moving and wouldn't be blogging....but, my husband took my son to get some ice cream, and I find myself enjoying a minute to myself.  So, in the next couple of days I will be on the road, and without the internet.  I was thinking, I know people read this because I see my stats.  But, I only have 28 followers.  I would like to try to get some other health related blogs to team up with me, but I need to show more interest in my blog.  How do ya'all feel about a giveaway??  If I can reach 100 followers, I will do a giveaway for $25 to spend at my Perfectly Posh website!!!  So, how to enter:
1. Leave a comment
2. Pin any post from this blog on your pinterest wall
3. Share this blog on Facebook, twitter, google+. whichever social media you partake in!
4. Become a follower if you aren't already!

I know we can do it!  Good Luck and share share share!!

Check out THIS blog for the best idea ever.  If you are into green smoothies like I am, this will seriously change your life!! 

Sep 12, 2012


Sauce making has always kind of intimidated me.  Milk and cheese scorch too fast, tomato sauce is hard to get the right balance for, I never seem to have the right spices.  Well, in the process of our move I was trying desperately to use up everything I possibly could in my fridge and freezer so I didn't have to pack frozen food across the state.  I came up with a little sauce on the spot and I must say, it was pretty legit! I didn't have everything for pesto, and I didn't have everything for spaghetti sauce but I had a ton of spinach to get rid of so here is what I came up with.

Tomato Basil Pesto Sauce

1 can canned whole tomato 
3 cups fresh baby spinach
1 tbs olive oil
2 packets Truvia
3 cloves garlic
1 tbs dried basil
salt and pepper to taste

Place all ingredients in a food processor and blend until smooth.  Pour sauce in a saucepan and bring to a boil over medium high heat.  Reduce heat and simmer for 5 mins.

I browned up some Italian seasoned ground turkey breast, cooked some whole wheat noodles and mixed this all up in a large bowl them topped it with a little freshly grated parmesan cheese!  It was AHMAZING!  I hope you like it too!


Sep 10, 2012

We're Moving

My life has been a lot of things...calm has never been one of them.  We just moved here to Medford Oregon in February and we received a call tonight that we are being transferred to Spokane Washington.  We are thrilled and it is a big promotion for my husband.  I have oh, 16 DAYS to find a place, pack, clean, and move my family out of state.  Needless to say, I am going to take a little break from the blog.  But, as soon as I have a spare second, I will update you all on our adventure!  Wish me luck!

Sep 4, 2012


I have said before that no matter what, I am honest on this blog.  It has taken me almost a week to write this post.  My hope is always that someone reading this will feel less alone in their struggle.  I know this is not a fun, witty post.  I know this may be hard for some readers to process, understand or relate to.  I am also aware that there will be some people who read this who know me very well and may feel shocked, or hurt by this post.  I have never hidden things from the people I love with the intention to hurt them.  I just, have never been brave enough to expose this part of myself until now.  My hope is that someone, somewhere, at some time, can relate.  I am only doing this, exposing the most raw part of myself, so that I can reach someone else.  In my 20 year struggle with self worth, I have never felt like there was anyone I could confide in.  I never had a confidant.  I pray that by opening up, someone out there will feel like I am that person who could understand their pain, and that their burden might be lightened.

 There is one major part of my battle that I have never shared before. Part of the reason I have not done so was because I hadn't even shared it with my husband and I didn't want him to find out.  Another reason is that I have buried this part of my life so deep, and it is so ingrained into who I am.  I am afraid of digging it up. What will I find? In an effort to rid myself of this darkness and it's crushing oppression, I confessed to my husband secrets I have kept my entire life...from everyone.  I have mastered the art of looking confident and appearing to have it all together.  I have always been a person that other people came to for advice.  I am great at telling others how to solve their problems.  I have achieved great things in my life, and had a lot of people fooled.  I have had everyone fooled.  The person he thought he knew, is a fake.  I am a fake.  He was stunned, to say the least.  I am not really  sure he was able to process that the person he has known and loved for 13 years harbored such dark feelings and secrets.  We haven't really even talked about it since the night I told him.  He was frightened, and he expressed concern that I would pass this burden on to our children.  I know he would never express it to me, but I can't help but wonder if he sees me differently.  Because the truth is I am very weak, and easily intimidated, and most of all incredibly self destructive.  I promised him I would seek some help, and that I would be more open and honest in the future.  So here I am, being about as open and honest as I have ever been...on the world wide web!

I am not exactly sure when, how, or why it started but ever since I can remember I have had a very cruel inner voice. I have referred to it before on this blog as my demon, but it is much more than that. Over the years this hateful presence has become my constant companion. I don't remember a time in my life that I haven't heard it. Some times it's louder than others.  I have journals from 2nd grade that have the most self abusive writing in them.  How does a child so young hate themselves so much?  I remember at that young age believing I was worthless, believing no one could ever truly care for me (outside of my family of course!)  I came from a loving home where I was praised and encouraged, but somehow I learned to hate myself, and this merciless inner dialogue was born.  I guess this is probably where my eating disorder began as well.  I have sad memories about food from as far back as I can remember. I knew early on in my life that my body was different and I learned to despise those differences.  I felt like I had no power to control them or change them. I have no memories of being abused, or of any trauma that could cause me to have such low self worth.  I think I had a pretty normal childhood.  

 A few times in my life during periods of severe food restriction, the demon has been almost non existent, yet still whispering from the back of my brain.  However, as soon as I return to normal eating habits, it returns.  Once it returns, I am catapulted back into the addiction/rebellion/binge cycle. At that point, the voice overpowers every other desire, emotion, and memory. I have very few memories that aren't clouded by the negative voice that lives in my head.  My wedding day was a cluster of negative dialogue running through my head.  The births of both of my children are tainted by my loathing for the way I look in the pictures.  I actually had a psych evaluation after the birth of my daughter (which I kept a secret) because I freaked out big time after I saw my body in the mirror at the hospital.   These should have been some of the happiest days of my life.  But they are clouded by my self hatred...and they are not the only memories that have been ruined. I will see shows on TV, or read books, or talk to people who say positive thinking is the key. "Believe it and you can achieve it"...right??? So why can't I silence that part of me that is SCREAMING "You are worthless", "You are disgusting", "You are the fattest person in this room", "Everyone is staring at you", "who could possibly love you?" In all the years I have dieted...20 to be exact, I have never fully conquered this demon. I am not even sure that I can.  Not even medication could conquer it.  No amount of prayer could take it away. At this point it is ingrained in my life. 20 years...since I was 9 this has been part of me.  On bad days I attack myself maybe 75-100 times.  Whenever I look in the mirror, which, I have become a master at avoiding, I do it.  When I look at a magazine, I do it.  When I should be enjoying time with my family...I do it. Whenever I go into a new situation with new people, my inner voice is at its worst.  But the hardest time for me is around meal time, or when I over indulge.

 I think because I have never had the extreme outer physical appearance of a person with an eating disorder, I have never felt comfortable labeling myself that way.  I have never been 400 pounds, and I have never been 80 pounds, so I haven't felt that I was entitled to the feelings that plagued me.  I have always placed the blame on myself.  If I just had more self control, if I could just get a handle on things, if I could only wake up earlier and work out harder, and eat less, and endure hunger better, and learn to love food I despise, and to despise food that I love...if only...if only...if only...blame...blame...blame. The battle is raging and it is constant.

I have searched myself trying to find the reason that I turn to food. Again, my story lacks the usual abuse or trauma that is found amongst most woman with eating disorders.  I came from a loving home with both parents present and a father who was very kind.  The only conclusion that I can come to is that I was taught to associate eating with being fat.  I was raised in the 80's.  Whose mother wasn't on a diet in the 80's right??  My mother fought her own battles with self esteem and body image.  There weren't the tools back then and we didn't have the knowledge we have today.  I think naturally my mom feared for her daughters to struggle with their bodies as she had, and so she may have unintentionally planted that seed in me.  I do not blame her.  She did the best with what she knew. She is the only other person in my life who has seen into this part of me.  I am sure it terrified her.  I am sure she must have been so worried.  I look at my own daughter.  My beautiful baby girl...and I wonder; how, after all these years of struggle, will I teach her to love herself?  How can I possibly teach her when I lack the tools?  I don't want to damage her, but I don't want to see her suffer either.  How would I react if in the next few years she begins to plump up?  Not out of shame towards her, but out of fear that she will suffer as I have suffered?  When I put myself in that position, I can understand my own mother better.

So, before this becomes an autobiography...I will wrap it up and say this; I am on a journey.  I have been on a journey for a long long time.  I am turning 30 next month...I am too old to carry this burden any longer.  I want to be free...I want peace.  Real peace.  I have not had one day...not even one day where I have truly felt peace.  I want that to change.  I want silence up there in the ole noggin!  I have always felt like there is another woman trapped inside of me, the woman God intended for me to become.  She is strong, powerful, confident, kind, and peaceful.  I want her to emerge.  I know she is in there, she's buried pretty deep as of now, but she is in there.  Sometimes, I think she looks like that weird dying soul at the train station on the last Harry Potter movie, but at least she is holding on!

And so the next leg of this journey begins.  Self cleansing, self healing, self forgiving, self loving.  That is my new mantra, and those are words I have never before been able to learn.  But, now is my time.  I feel lighter already.  I feel like sharing has lifted some of the burden.  I hope that if you are reading this, and feel like you need someone to reach out to, you know I am here for you.  I truly believe that as women, we can lift each other up and help each other heal.

I was watching the Oprah Lifeclass with Iyanla yesterday and she said something that struck a chord with me (actually, it made me bawl like a baby!) She said, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."  I don't really know who I am yet, but I know what I can become...and when I become out world!

Sep 3, 2012

Yummy Tilapia!

I really tried to come up with a cute name for this recipe, but there is such an array of ingredients, that I really couldn't pin just one name down!  All I know, is it was YUMMY! 


2 shallots finely chopped
2 T garlic
2 T oregano
4 packets TRUVIA
2 T olive oil
2 T red wine vinegar
2 T lime juice
1 t salt
1 t pepper

Toss all of the ingredients into a gallon size baggie.  Add fish and move it around reaaaaal good to coat.   Place in fridge and allow to marinate up to 4 hours.  Keep in mind that the lime juice in the marinade will partially cook the fish (a method to cook fish called ceviche) so the longer you marinate the fish, the less time it needs to spend in the pan! I cooked each side at medium/high for about 2-3 mins.  I like my fish to be a bit crispy so I cook it at a higher temp so the outer layer gets nice and brown!

I served this with my famous BRUSSLE SPROUTS 1/3 cup brown rice.  This is a perfect Wonderslim lean and green meal!  And it was pretty perfect!


Aug 31, 2012

Cross Fit Mamas


I came across this site on..what else..Pinterest!  I think I am going to give it a whirl!  Last year I made a promise to myself that I would no longer do ANYTHING in a workout that I didn't enjoy!  I actually love to workout, but I hate mindless cardio.  I miss running outside like crazy, but my knee just won't cooperate.  I have heard a million people say they love CrossFit, so I am going to give it a try.  I may not have all of the equipment, but I am going to do my best to keep up!  Who wants to join me!?!?!  I think it would be fun to keep up with each other on this!  Comment if you are in!

Click HERE for details!

Also, check out my new RECIPES tab at the top of the page.  I have compiled a list of all the recipes I have posted on this site! 


Aug 30, 2012

Product Review

So yesterday went really well.  I am happy to report that the food tastes SO much better than I was expecting! My favorite from yesterday was the Creamy Alfredo!  I did try the Chocolate Chip Pudding, and while the flavor was good, it was kind of lumpy, so I think next time I will blend it up in the Ninja! This morning I had a shake and a Cinnamon Pastry Tart.  I was expecting a more flaky consistency, but instead, it basically tasted like the Oatmeal Cookie.  I toasted it for a few minutes and it was pretty good.  In my shake I did Hot Cocoa mix, 1/2 cup Almond Milk, 1 cup water, 6 cubes of ice, 2 C baby spinach, and 2 tbs. sugar free Kahlua syrup.  I skipped the frozen banana so I could have fruit with my morning snack.

I was a bit hungry yesterday, but because my shipment didn't come till afternoon, I wasn't on plan during the morning.  Today, I already feel great and full!  I just feel so encouraged with the taste and the variety of the food!  

Had some help blogging this morning!  Isn't my little assistant so stinking cute!

Aug 29, 2012

Today is the Day of Reckoning

Reckoning (NOUN)
* The avenging or punishing for past mistakes or misdeads

It is no coincidence that this horrible picture of me was taken yesterday and today my order of meal replacements showed up.  I have known for a while now that eventually, I would return to this kind of plan. 

If you have been a reader of my blog, or you have known me personally in the last 2 years you would know that I lost 50 pounds between a miscarriage and getting pregnant with my daughter about 18 months ago.  I used a program called Medifast.  I actually really didn't mind the program, and for a short time was a health coach with the company.  I tried multiple times to get back on the program since the birth of my daughter and for some reason just couldn't get there.  I think because I used their products for so long, the taste began to kind of freak me out, and they got rid of one of the only products I actually looked forward to eating, and I just felt like I needed to find something new.  I found Wonderslim online and ordered a few samples.  I was blown away at how much better they tasted.  They do have a higher calorie content than Medifast meal replacements and the plan allows you to eat one fruit serving per day, one fat free dairy serving per day, plus one starch serving per day.  I am a big believer in meal replacements for myself at least.  Because the actual food and counting numbers is such an issue with me, I found that taking the food and its caloric damage on my body out of the equation for a while helped to clear my head and take the pressure off of eating the exact amount of calories each day that the app on my phone tells me to.  I think that getting pregnant so soon after getting to my goal weight and not taking some time to really solidify my new way of eating is what caused me to leave those good habits behind and spiral back into the self abusing behavior I currently find myself in. 

Soooo, here it is, my shipment of Wonderslim.  I will still be posting recipes just as I did when I was on Medifast.  I am excited to get started and start seeing results!

{ This is me after I finished a 90 day Medifast program }

Aug 25, 2012

Pull The Trigger

     What is it about stressful situations that puts me into an instant downward spiral?  Today I was at Target shopping, and the place was a zoo.  It was hot, there were a million people, the checkout stands were a nightmare, my 5 year old was cranky, I forgot my Target debit card so I didn't even save the %5 I was counting on, the guy at the food court screwed up our order, and my son spilled Icee all over the place. Before we even got out of the store, I ingested a cheese pizza, half of my sons fries, and a Diet Coke (which I gave up a month ago).  Then. as I sat there feeding the demon inside, two moms sat across from me with babies about the same age as my baby, but they had flat stomachs, and perfect bodies.  Cue the self hatred. So then I felt entitled. I felt like I deserved, nay, NEEDED to cheat.  I felt like the only way to calm my nerves was to eat something sinful all the while telling myself in my brain how disgusting I am.  

I have always chalked up my stress response of eating to the fact that it is the only vice I have.  I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't take sleeping pills, or any pills for that matter, I don't cheat on my husband...but I do have a very, very unhealthy relationship with food( oh, and I kind of have a potty mouth...oops!).  So when the stress comes, the only way i have learned to cope is by stuffing myself.  In all of the years I have dieted and studied weight loss, I have never been able to master the cycle of addiction.  I know without a doubt that is why I have never conquered my weight long term.  I  have an emotional trigger like stress then instantly I crave food, I go through the ritual, I use it to soothe me, then I hate myself, which then leads to a trigger and we are right back on the roller coaster.  

I was watching the Today show a few mornings ago and they had a male guest who spoke about binge eating.  He said in his past he had always focused on controlling the food.  If only I can control the food, I will get a handle on this.  He went on to say that until we learn to control our emotions, we will get nowhere in the battle with our weight.  I am not even sure where to begin with that.  I read THIS websites information about emotional triggers which suggests that emotional triggers stem from an earlier trauma.  In the last few years I have really searched myself trying to figure out what if any trauma brought me to this place with food.  I can't think of any one event, but there are a lot of little things that I think contributed.  My mother battled with food her whole adult life.  I  remember her portioning my food differently than other kids.  I remember once at a birthday party she cut me a much smaller piece of cake than the other kids got.  I cried of course not understanding.  She took me aside and told me i had to be more careful about how much cake I ate than the other kids.  I remember being called fat by some boys at school.  I remember struggling to find clothes that fit me even at a young age.  I got put on Phen-Fen at 14. I had a very thin, popular, beautiful sister who I looked up to, but never looked like.  I felt like I was always compared to her, and we couldn't have been more the time anyways!  But as adults, her and I have come to realize we both struggled with food.  If there was some sort of trauma, I either don't remember it, or my mind has chosen to forget it for me.  

There are times when the thought comes to me that I in fact have an addiction and therefore in order to overcome it, I must treat is as an addiction.  Just as a recovering alcoholic must learn to cope with life without using alcohol, so must I learn to cope with life without using food.  If there is anyone reading this who relates, or has a trick they use, or has learned to overcome, or hasn't learned to overcome and wants to learn, please, share.  I  have no idea who reads this, like I have said in the past, I do this for myself.  But I also hope, someone, somewhere can read about my struggles and feel less alone.

Aug 24, 2012

Asain Lettuce Cups

These were a HUGE hit at our house the other night.  They were easy to make, and even my hubbs loved them! I served them with a side of steamed sugar snap peas tossed with the tiniest bit of butter and salt. It was a fantastic meal!

1 lb Lean Ground Turkey
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 Clove Garlic, minced
1/8 tsp ground ginger
2/3 cup thinly sliced green onion (about 4)
1 8oz can Water Chestnuts

3 Tbsp Hoisin sauce
2 Tbsp lower sodium Soy Sauce
1 Tbsp rice vinegar
2 tsp roasted red chili paste (I used hot chili sauce cause I had it on hand)
1/8 tsp salt

12 Boston Lettuce Leaves (I used Butter Lettuce)

Heat the vegetable oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat. Add the turkey, garlic and ginger to the pan.  Cook for about 6 minutes or until turkey is browned.  Add the water chesnuts and onions and mix well.
Whisk together the sauce ingredients and toss to coat with the turkey mixture.  Add about 1/4 cup turkey to each lettuce cup. 

Serving size 2 lettuce cups with 1/4 C mixture in each. (I actually used less mixture in each and had 3 or 4 cups instead of just 2)

Total Calories: 205


Aug 22, 2012

One Ingredient Guilt Free Ice Cream

{photo courtesy of}

Can you tell it has been crazy hot here??  I am all about creamy yummy cold deliciousness!  Did you know you can make amazing tasting ice cream with just ONE ingredient??  Frozen bananas!  Check out THIS blog for all kinds of fun ways to jazz up this little dish of gold!  The best part is that you are only indulging in 105 calories!  Even if you add some nutella, or peanut butter, the calorie count on this dessert is still crazy low!  I like to add a bit of cocoa and some PB2 to mine! My husband and my son go crazy for this stuff.  I even let my son have it for breakfast once....he thought I was the coolest mom on the planet! 


Aug 21, 2012

Almond Milk Ice Cream

May it be said now that I am a Pinterest JUNKIE!  I love it, and I actually use it a lot.  I cook from Pinterest at least once a week, if not more.  One of my family's favorite Pinterest finds would be baggie ice cream.  My husband loves ice cream and this way, he can have it whenever he wants and the bonus is, there isn't a bunch of garbage packed into it!  We have tried it with half and half, whole milk and almond milk.  Of course the half and half makes the best ice cream, but for a sweet treat that is low in fat and calories, the almond milk did the job!  Here is what I did

1 C Almond Milk (Unsweetened)
1/2 C Coarse Salt
3 Truvia Packets
Vanilla Extract (I use a few drops)
2Tbsp Sugar Free Chocolate Syrup
Big Ziplock Bag
Small Ziplock Bag

In your small bag, mix your "milk", truvia, extracts and syrup.

Fill your large bag about 3/4 of the way with ice.Cover with salt.

Place your small bag of "mix" into the bigger bag and give it a good shake for about 5 minutes.  I actually cover mine with a towel so my hands don't freeze!

You could add all kinds of other flavors or fruit!! Enjoy!

Total Calories 55

Aug 18, 2012

Mashed Loveliness!

In my mission to enjoy vegetables, I came across THIS great blog, I Breath...I'm Hungry.  It is full of all kinds of great recipes.  She came up with a great way to enjoy mashed cauliflower.  Cauliflower is one of the few veggies I actually like...but NOT cooked.  I have tried mashed cauliflower in the past and literally gagged so hard I almost lost the rest of my dinner.  I thought I would give it a try because she seemed to address a lot of the issues I have with the cooked version of this veggie, and I have to say they are amazing!!  I did make a few changes just to make it a bit more calorie conscious.  My son and my husband LOVE this side dish, and I think you will too!

Mashed Cheesy Cauliflower

1/2 Head cauliflower (3 cups once it is all chopped up)
1tbs heavy cream (I use 1/4 c greek yogurt)
1/2 tbs butter ( I skipped the butter)
2 ounces sharp cheese (the sharper the better)
salt and pepper to taste (I use Johnn'y Seasoning Salt)

Wash and cut the cauliflower into small pieces. I have found that the more of the stem you remove, the creamier your texture will be.  The stems tend to make it more grainy.

Place the cauliflower in a microwave safe bowl and coat with the cream and butter.  Microwave uncovered for 5 minutes.  Stir to coat and microwave for another 4 minutes.  You want your cauliflower to be tender but not soggy.  If you over steam, your dish will end up soupy.

Place all remaining ingredients into a blender or food processor and whip until smooth.  

If you make it the way I do with greek yogurt and no butter, you are looking at about 101 calories per serving.  This makes about 3 servings. If you take a smaller portion and serve 5 people, you are looking at 61 calores.  

Aug 17, 2012

My Morning Routine

I am a big BIG fan of hiding healthy food in other foods that maybe don't taste so healthy!  I stumbled upon this morning shake about 6 months ago and have been drinking it every morning since.  A few weeks ago, I was reading a friends blog, and I saw a link to a product called PB2.  This is a powdered peanut butter that you can either ad to shakes, or reconstitute with water.  I ordered the original and the chocolate variety! It is wonderful and only 45 calories per 2 tbs!!  I swear in the 6 months that I have been doing this, my nails are stronger and they grow faster, my skin looks better, and my hair is shinier!  Check out THIS site to read more on the amazing benefits of eating spinach!  You might be blown away!

The Big Green Giant

1.5 cups Almond milk (unsweetened original) 53 calories
1 banana (sliced and FROZEN) 105 calories
2 TBS PB2 45 calories
 Fill the rest of your blender with baby spinach 20 calories
1 tbs Torani Sugar Free vanilla syrup

Blend Blend Blend!  I don't like any chunks of spinach left at all, so I obliterate my shakes!



I buy 2 bunches of bananas at the store every week.  Once bunch I use to feed the kids and the other one I let sit out until it just starts turning brown.  Once it is just a bit over ripe, I slice each banana into 8 segments.  I then put them all into a gallon sized baggie and freeze them.  Trust me, you want your bananas frozen, and you don't want to try to slice them up after they are frozen!

In my experience, baby spinach tasted better...or I guess didn't taste at all!  I tried buying a large bag of regular spinach because I go through it so fast, but the spinach taste and texture was much more dominant in the shake and I really didn't like that!  So, stick with the baby variety!


Aug 16, 2012

I'm About to Blow Your Mind...Seriously!

For anyone who knows me personally, you know I HATE most vegetables.  I am famous for my skills when it comes to picking veggies out of my food.  This has been a battle with me since I was very small.  I spent many, many nights asleep next to my plate at the dinner table because I refused to eat my veggies!
 Over the last few months I have embarked on a journey to discover new ways to fall in love with the dreaded vegetable.  I can not take too much credit for this recipe, I found it on Pinterest! But, I have added my spin to it, and seriously...I crave and I mean drool over...drum-roll please...BRUSSEL SPROUTS!  I know what you are thinking.  Brussel sprouts are like the most hated vegetable of all time.  But, with this recipe, you too will come to love...nay CRAVE these yummy little beauties!

This recipe is not super precise.  Depending on the size of your sprout, you may need more.

Preheat oven to 450 degrees
cut stems off of 6-8 large sprouts
quarter the sprouts lengthwise
toss sprout quarters and leaves that fell off during cutting process on a cookie sheet
spray with Crisco Butter Spray (this is important, I have tried other sprays and the Crisco butter spray tastes the best)
sprinkle with seasoning salt, I use Johnny's (be careful, the sprouts will shrink up during cooking therefore concentrating the seasoning, you don't want your sprouts too salty!)

Toss on the cookie sheet and place in the oven
every 5 minutes use a spatula to re-toss the sprouts and leaves
once the leaves are crisp and brown and each side of the sprouts is browned you are done!

I like mine pretty brown.  The outer leaves that get really brown and crispy are the BEST part!  

Aug 14, 2012

I'm a Rough and Tough...Nothin's Gonna Knock This Girl Down

I do this really, for myself.  I don't know who is reading this.  I don't know if it has ever helped anyone.  I have no idea if people think I am nuts.  But I do know this...I miss doing it.  I have let my life get me down.  I have given up lately.  Resigned to the sadness of loosing so much.  I  was on a walk tonight and realized just how much of myself I have lost.  There is so much missing from my life right now, and not because we moved away from everyone and everthing, and not because I have gained all of my weight back, but because I have let it go.  I used every excuse in the book to justify flushing myself down the drain.  Yes, depression can be so binding and some days I have felt like no matter what, I was never going to be myself again, never be fully happy again.  I have wondered if my lot in life is to always feel like I am half of the person I know I have the potential to be. See, I have tasted it.  I know my potential.  I have seen the light...briefly...very briefly.  And just when I thought I had it all figured out, the rug was pulled out from under me.  I lost my footing and began the downward spiral that has been the last 2 years of my life.  Today, as I had others in my life struggle with real problems, I realized something.  I have the power.  It is in me.  I can overcome.  And not just overcome and survive but I can thrive.  I can become that woman who, in my mind has been sitting on a really high shelf unreachable...unattainable.   I love this song becuase it really speaks to me.  I am a rough and tough!  I have been through things most people will never ever go through...and I have been through a lot of those kinds of things.  I have punched through walls, fallen flat on my face, lost it all, and somehow, I am still here.  I may have lost my fight for a while.  I kind of got tired of fighting.  I let the battle beat me...really, really beat me.  But, nothin's gonna knock this girl down...for long! I know it sounds corny to be so inspired by a pop song, but when you are out sweating and really working your muscles and this comes piping through your earbuds, you can't help but feel a bit lighter, a bit stronger, a bit more...I dunno...bad ass??!?!?!  Am I right?  So anyway, here I am, once again spilling my guts on the world wide web.  Things are going to get better.  I just know it!

Feb 5, 2012

Mango-licious Tilapia

I swiped this recipe from it was AMAZING!!  I don't have a picture, but, trust me, it was beautiful to behold!   Instead of making my own mango salsa, I used Chachie's brand from Win-co.  Makes 2 servings and is about 330 calories per serving.


  • 4 tilapia fillets
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 1/2 tablespoons grated orange zest
  • 1/4 cup fresh orange juice
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • crushed red pepper flakes to taste
  • 1/2 cup mango salsa


  1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C.)
  2. In a shallow baking dish, combine the olive oil, orange zest, orange juice, salt, pepper and chili flakes. Rinse the fish fillets and pat them dry. Place them into the baking dish and turn to coat with the seasonings.
  3. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes in the preheated oven, until fish can be flaked with a fork.
  4. Place fillets on a platter and spoon the salsa over them to serve.  

Jan 30, 2012

I'm Back in the Saddle..AGAIN! 

Well, I have had a very eventful few months!  We have a new addition to our little family!  Miss Jovie Noel arrived on 12/12/11 and we are so so very in love with her!  She is about 7 weeks old now, and I am feeling like my C-section is healing well, so I feel ready to get back to my healthy self!!

I had a pretty rough and miserable pregnancy, hence the lack of postings.   I was in pain most of the last 2 months and really struggled with my cravings and my eating habits the entire 9 months.  I was never overly hungry with my first pregnancy, but this time, I felt starving all the time.  I really lost control, and in the end, I gained 30 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am up 45 pounds from my thinnest weight back in December of last year.  I have decided to use Medifast again, but this time I am doing a hybrid program.  3 medifast meals per day, and 3 healthy eating meals per day.  I am using and the my fitness pal app on my phone to track what I eat.  The phone app has a new barcode scanner that is AMAZING.  I am feeling so ready to be healthy and fit again!  

There is so much I want to journal about, but I will do that more as the days and weeks go by. For now, I am going to leave you with an amazing recipe!  I hope you enjoy it!  Share this blog with anyone who you feel needs a lift, some inspiration, or just a place to read about another human being going through her own weight loss battle.  I appreciate comments, suggestions, criticism, whatever!  I want this to be a safe place for people to feel like they aren't alone!  

I am so glad to be back!! Here we go!

Starting Weight 1-30-2012