Dec 27, 2010


So today, after the hopelessness of last night, I woke up, got myself back on the 5 & 1 plan, and drug my funky butt to a Zumba class at my gym.  I was super nervous about being the new girl in a class.  To my surprise, I did well, enjoyed the heck out of it, and sweated my ace off!  This was so much fun, and a fantastic work out!! 
I got back on the plan today, I feel like crap and am detoxing hard core! I am proud to say that I stayed on plan 100% today!  I even went out to dinner tonight and stayed on plan! Baby steps right?!?!?  I stepped on the scale today and I have only put on 5 pounds.  I was truly expecting more.  So here is the new goal.  Loose the 5 I gained over the holidays, and then loose 5 more.  I think with the new Zumba class and my new found commitment to the plan, this should be a breeze!! 

With that being said, I am off to make myself some amazing soft serve! Good night, and good luck!

Dec 26, 2010


I started this blog as a way to journal, vent, and be brutally, painfully honest not only with myself, but with those of you who may be reading it. So as hard as this post is for me to write, and for as long as I have been avoiding writing it, I must. 
 I have been in a state of denial for the last two months.  I have slipped back in that frame of mind where I forget what I have eaten or I justify what I have eaten.  One of my biggest struggles has always been holidays and social events.  If I have one bite, I can't stop myself, I have 100.  It all started at Thanksgiving.  I started feeling depressed about my miscarriage and I felt like I was justified in eating whatever I wanted when I felt depressed.  And, before I knew it, I was in relapse. This last few days I have decided to be honest with myself.  It has been tough.  I still can't bring myself to get on the scale.  I just am not sure I can deal with the consequences just yet.  The thought of seeing my sins on the scale makes me feel a bit ill.  

I had one of my favorite clients in the other day. I have blogged about her before.  I have done her hair for almost 6 years and just about every time I do her hair we talk about diet, weight, food, clothes, etc.  We relate on so many levels in the diet and weight loss arena.  I feel like we are kindred spirits.  Typically our conversations are pretty light-hearted, with a bit of seriousness here and there.  But this time was different. Both of us were not in the best of moods and our conversation quickly became about addiction.  I know I have an addiction, I have been pretty aware of that.  However, I don't want to be treated like an addict, and for some reason I have decided that the same rules do not apply to me.  

I found this definition online and I felt my face get hot.
The state of being addicted; devotion; inclination; A habit or practice that damages, jeopardizes or shortens one's life but when ceased causes trauma; A pathological relationship to mood altering experience that has life damaging consequences

The phrase, damages, jeopardizes, or shortens ones life.  WOW, that is tough to hear.  I have let my food addiction damage my life and the lives of those around me for far too long.  This last two months in particular.  The other part of that definition that struck a chord with me was, A pathological relationship to mood altering experiences.  Food does that for me...for a moment.  I feel good when I am eating.  But the second I swallow, the shame sets in.  Once the shame sets in, watch out.  The people around me are the ones who pay for it. I hunt for food the same way a junkie searches for a hit.  I think because I have had the chance to recently be lifted out of the fog, I was able to catch myself a lot quicker this time.  I have tasted what healthy is like.  I know what it feels like to have control and feel victory. So WHY do I sabotage?  I have no idea.  I have never drank or smoked or done drugs...but I know the pain of addiction.  I know what process the brain goes through when justifying a return to your old habits.  I know what the shame of relapse feels like.  I know the sting of self defeat.  My client and I were asking each other, do we have to give up unhealthy food forever the same way an alcoholic gives up drinking forever?  Is it the same?  Right now, for me, yes.  I can't cheat just once.  Not now.  I just don't know if I have to tools yet to live a life of balance.  

If I am babbling, feel free to stop reading now.  I just have to get this out for my own sake, so sorry, check back soon for more uplifting posts!

Usually when I blog I have overcome something, and I blog about it to share with others my victory.  Sometimes, I am in the middle of something, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I still feel positive about it.  Right now, I am in a place I have never been before.  Utterly terrified, and completely...hopeless.  Facing a life of this battle terrifies me.  Even at my heaviest weight I always hoped that someday I would overcome my weight battle.  Now, with TSFL I know how to overcome the fat....but I am left with the addiction, and addiction I have no idea how to overcome.  They say once an addict always an addict.  So what does that mean for me? Do I live with this forever? Will I ever overcome this and learn to have a lifelong healthy relationship with food?  I really, truly, have no idea.

Dec 12, 2010

Tough Week 

This picture is kind of what I have been feeling like doing this week.  I joined the gym and so i have been trying so hard to stay on the program even though I really just want to eat and eat and eat.  As I always have done in the past, I chalk the cravings up to lack of control or I find some way to blame myself and turn the anger inward.  Until today.  I had a revelation.  I had a miscarriage at 4 months pregnant this summer and my due date is about 2 weeks away.  I have been extra emotional about it and after months of not crying over the issue, i have been crying myself to sleep and tearing up at the grocery store while passing the baby section and wanting to hold my 3 year old like a baby and smell his hair.  I really truly thought that I would be pregnant again by now and that my "due date" would be a non issue. Thus, I have not prepared myself for all of these emotions.  All of this has been happening and i have been suppressing it all. The moment I feel sad, i wipe the tears and push the pain away. Today, I even began to feel physically ill.  So, it hadn't really occurred to me that I was eating my feelings.  I find myself back in the old habit of standing at the pantry waiting for something to speak to me.  Waiting for that one food that is going to make me numb.  It took me an hour to make my dinner tonight because i knew I didn't want "lean and green" but I couldn't decide how "bad" to be.  What could I eat that will make me satisfied??  I settled on eggs and toast with a bit of melty cheese...not a huge sin, but not the best choice.   Comfort food I guess.

Part of making changes is understanding why we make bad choices in the first place.  I remember once on the Oprah show she said that she always thought she was fat because she liked food and not because she had some underlying issues.  It wasn't until she was truly honest with herself the she realized her eating was a direct result of her horrible childhood.  I still don't really understand why food is such a drug for me.  I know i use it when I am stressed or sad.  I still have not had any light bulb moments from my past decoding the mystery of my food addiction, but I have learned through TSFL how to recognize my weaknesses as they happen.  I understand why this last week has been so hard.  Now, the trick is, how do I find comfort without eating?  Do I allow myself to medicate with food?  I have always felt entitled in the past when i am sad to medicate however i want.  I stand in front of the pantry or the fridge and the two people that exist in my head battle over the choice to make. THE BEAST returns and I feel like a person in a movie with an angel on one shoulder and the food devil on the other.  

One of life's greatest blessings is that tomorrow is always another day, and we always have the chance to start anew and make better choices.  With a new week approaching, I feel confident that I can gain control and cope better.  Tears may come and feelings may be sad, but that is ok.  I have a lot of people who love me and most importantly, I have prayer, and the comfort that comes with knowing there is a plan, and that The Lord is aware of me.  As tired as I am of people trying to make me feel better by telling me it just wasn't time, or you will have a baby when the time is right...I know they are right.  i know all those things.  That doesn't mean it has to be easy.  And that doesn't mean I lack faith for struggling with it.  I am so thankful for what I do have, and truly I feel like this last 5 months has changed my life forever.  The Lord has given me this time to get healthy and I am so thankful for that.

Dec 6, 2010

I've Joined Up!! 

After much contemplation and more pain in my knee, I made a big decision today.  I joined a gym.  I am actually pretty excited about this new adventure.  I have been a member at many many gyms, but have never been a member at a gym when I wasn't trying to loose a ton of weight.  I am kind of excited to see how quickly my body will change since I am only 7 pounds away from my goal weight.  It will be so different to actually SEE muscles!!  I will keep you all posted on how things go!  I am going to try Zumba for the first time!!  Wish me luck!