Nov 16, 2015
Oct 21, 2015
Today, I did well. Today I felt better. Today I saw the sunshine and I basked in it. There are times when I get glimpses of who I can be. I see a woman who enjoys her life if for only a moment, and I love her. I want to nurture her and bring her forward. I know God did not create me to be sad and depressed. I have potential to be great.
Oct 13, 2015
Since this blog is about my journey to wholeness, i will update you about my health over the last two or so years. I will spare you all of the boring details and just say that my failures to get my weight under control since Lennox was born have led me to The Church of Jesus Christ's 12 step plan for over eaters. I accepted long ago that I was an addict, but I really didn't know what to do with that information. A dear friend of mine invited me to a meeting and I had been going since the end of May 2015. About a month ago I had what I can only call a mental breakdown. It was a culmination of things really...failure to loose any weight despite my best efforts, trouble in my marriage, loneliness, feeling like I was failing at the 12 steps because I wasn't feeling or behaving any better, and a debilitating bout of depression. I started yelling more, sleeping less, eating to soothe, staying in my house for days and days on end and pulling away from everyone and everything I loved. I had panic attacks at church. I had panic attacks standing in my closet picking what to wear. I had severe anxiety about leaving the house to do anything. I stopped going to meetings, I started binge eating again. I stopped exercising. I stopped doing anything that was causing me frustration or pain. I honestly felt like I was failing at every part of my life. This drove me to seek counseling. My husband and I had been trying marriage counseling, and I just didn't feel like he was ready to change, and I didn't feel a connection to the counselor we were seeing. I was in Boise visiting my dear friend and she said maybe I needed to see someone for myself. Get things in my head figured out before I could tackle any other issues. I found a counselor and so far, 2 appointments in, I feel good about her. She encouraged me to journal, and I thought, hey, why not pick up blogging again. Maybe someone will stumble across this and relate to what I say.
Yesterday a friend from my 12 step group called me. She and I haven't spoken in a while and I honestly thought with leaving the group we may never talk again. Until yesterday, I wasn't sure if I could return. I just can't take any more failure right now and the steps were starting to feel like a burden to me. She said some very powerful things. She brought me to tears more that a few times. But the thing she said that hit me the hardest was this....Just stop. Stop binge eating right now. Just pull it together and stop it. I have given myself every reason in the world to binge eat. I deserve to feel better, this is all I can do to numb myself, this is just who I am, I will never get better. She also said she felt like Satan had me, he had me by the neck. That brought tears to my eyes and a pit in my stomach. Satan %100 has a hold of me, my mind and my spirit right now. He knows exactly how to lure me into the darkness. I had an image flash in my mind of me with a chain around my neck being drug into the woods. I was dirty, and tattered and crying. At first I fought, but then I just gave in. My counselor asked me to describe my emotions as if they were a drawing. I told her it was a deep hole, pure dark with slick smooth walls. No one at the top, and no way to get out. This is what food addiction has done to me. This is how my life looks. Pain, sorrow, anxiety, sleeplessness, loneliness, panic, darkness. Until yesterday, I was prepared to settle in to it all. Be "on" when I need to be on. Put on the show when I need to. But in my private moments, when no one else is watching...the girl at the bottom of the hole in the dark is who I really was. My friend told me to literally tell Satan to go away, get out of here, leave me alone. I have had moments over the last few months when I have begged to My Father in Heaven to "get me out here, please get me out of here." But I had never thought to tell Satan "GET OUT OF HERE". He is in my head. He uses food to get there. He is the one dragging me by the neck into the woods to put me in that deep dark hole with no way out. So, what I need to remember when I am having a food fantasy(really that is what it is, a fantasy) is that nothing tastes good enough to justify living in a hole. I need to commit to eating well as whole heartedly as I have committed to my marriage. Is marriage always easy? NOPE. Do I sometimes wonder if the grass is greener? Sure, don't we all. But no matter what, I would never leave my marriage, or dishonor my covenants. I need to see overcoming addiction in the same light. I am turning 33 tomorrow. I think 33 years is long enough to struggle. I don't remember ever NOT struggling with food and weight and depression. I stood in my pantry last night begging the Lord to deliver me. BEGGING. I am happy to report I made a healthy choice for dinner, and have been binge free today. The voice of my friend in my head telling me to JUST STOP combined with the Grace of God got me through today. I napped, I prepared a beautiful, satisfying meal and I have now blogged. I am going to do this. I am going to overcome. It may take me the rest of my life. But with God all things can be done. I don't know who reads this. I have no idea if anyone will ever feel less alone. I can hope that someday I will be able to sit down and type...I am free!!! Until then, take this journey with me. I want to share this talk that I listened to yesterday from my church's semi-annual conference. This man is our Prophet. His health is failing and I am not sure how much longer he will live. I listened to this talk last night while I sat alone and ate my dinner. I sobbed. Like ugly sobbed. I love him, and I love his message of hope. Please take a minute if you are reading this to listen. I promise you will feel the Light of Christ reach out to you.
Well, that's it. Here we go right?! Another chapter in my journey to wholeness!
Apr 22, 2013
Apr 16, 2013
Today, I felt like a champ. I had the most AMAZING clean bacon with some eggs and a fruit salad for breakfast. I enjoyed a scrumptious turkey burger topped with green olives, avocado and homemade Paleo mayo wrapped up in butter lettuce with a side of chopped carrots and sugar snap pea pods. And for dinner, a beautifully pan seared Tilapia loin with oven roasted brussel sprouts and a side of fresh pineapple. Finish the day off with this yummy treat I am noshing on, and I feel down right decadent! So, enjoy these meals, they sure made my day!
These turkey burgers came from Costco. I have been kind of obsessed with avocado and green olives on everything lately...and of course who can forget the amazing Paleo Mayo! Nothing special here, just fried up the burger in a pan with a tiny bit of coconut oil, salt and pepper. In hindsight, this may have been better as a salad, it was so yummy, but kind of a mess to eat!
So, you have seen "banana ice cream" all over the internet I am sure. That is one of our family favorites. However, tonight, I was lacking enough frozen banana pieces to make a full serving. So I experimented and added frozen blueberries and frozen strawberries....AMAZING! This tastes just like frozen yogurt, or berry sorbet...with NO sugar! I am in love, and feeling really fresh right about now! This recipe is simple. I used about 1/2 a frozen banana, 1 C frozen blueberries, and 4 large frozen strawberries. Threw it all in my Ninja blender and blended it for a good 3 minutes stopping periodically to scrape the sides and move chunks closer to the blades. Now, the banana is the star player here for texture, not so much for taste. The frozen banana gives the final product that creamy consistency. I hope you love this as much as I did tonight!
Apr 15, 2013
So, what have we been eating around here the last few days anyway?? I will share as many recipes as I can so that anyone who comes across this blog will be able to bulk up their whole foods recipe box! Here are a few recipes from the last few days that I have loved!
Lunch Shrimp salad (from my own brain)
1 C salad shrimp...the tiny ones
6 green olives sliced
handful of snap peas diced up in the pod
any other veggies you want to ad
1 T homemade Paleo mayo
mix it all up, and either eat it as is, or enjoy over a green salad. I served mine with homemade sweet potato chips!
Sweet Potato Chips
1/2 of a yam(better for you than a sweet potato)
1 T light olive oil
dash of salt
Heat oven to 450. Thinly slice your yam. I use a mandolin. Toss yam slices in the oil and season with salt. Spread evenly on a baking sheet and place in the oven. Bake for 7-10 mins then flip and bake an additional 3-5 mins. Let cool then serve!!
Apr 14, 2013
I have also, thanks to a dear friend from high school, found a great resource in a book titled, "It Starts With Food." There is SOOO much valuable info in this book that I almost feel like I need to read each chapter twice just to absorb it all. I will admit, it is not easy to read some of this wonderful info...for a person like me who uses food as a drug, some of it even made me feel defensive. But, in my heart, I know these changes have to be made. I am doing my best to only eat whole foods. I am following the plan in the book about 90% the only thing I ate yesterday that was not on their plan was PurePea protein powder. Other than that, the only foods that crossed these lips were whole foods! You can check out the Whole9 community on facebook and actually get their Whole30 program for FREE off of their website HERE!
Feb 22, 2013
Jan 31, 2013
Jan 12, 2013
If you follow this blog at all, you know that I have been doing Medifast. I used this program before to loose 36 pounds and get down to the smallest weight/size I have ever been. I lost my mind during my pregnancy and gained it alllllll back! I really thought I could just hop back on the program and loose the weight. I have had some success I am down about 15lbs since the week before Thanksgiving. However, most weeks are very very frustrating, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to overcome my intense cravings, my energy level is frighteningly low most of the time, and I am not feeling like I have the will power to continue on this program. I am all about the number on the scale. I am willing to do just about anything...but I want to see the fruits of my labor...is that so much to ask?? I get up at 5am to work out. I eat meal replacements 5 times a day, and only lean meat and veggies once a day. I drink so much water I pee constantly. I have given up all soda, and all caffeine. I have made the tough sacrifices...so why aren't they paying off? Why am I not feeling better? Why do I still feel like a huge failure? Why?
I have said before that really, all I want is peace. Today, I woke up after a really solid week, expecting a good weight loss. Much to my surprise, I had actually GAINED a pound. WHAT THE HELL. From that second on, my day has been shot. I actually have felt nauseated all day. So what do I do, I rebel. I ate the rest of the chocolate chips in my baking cupboard...and to top off the night, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and tater tots. Do I feel better, no, no I don't...I feel worse. Do I feel peaceful. NOPE. I feel like taking my scale and all of my medifast food and burning it whilst shaking my fists at the sky. I feel like punching a hole in the wall. I feel like drowning myself in chocolate and crying til my eyes are dry. I know I will wake up tomorrow, and things will seem brighter, but for today, I am once again, locked in this prison right next to my demon...she and I, face to face, just like old times.
I want to believe that there will come a day when I will be free of all of this. A day when the number on the scale doesn't affect my ability to function. A day when I can enjoy a decadent meal without wanting to throw it all up and beg the diet Gods for forgiveness. I slipped up today. I let my emotions run rampant, and I lost sight of my goals. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully, I wake up with a new outlook.
There, rant done! Now I need to ditch this pity party and move on right!
Dec 6, 2012
I am in an experimental mood lately! Tonight I made a brownie/cookie combo and it was lovely! I stopped ordering the brownies a long time ago because they have coffee in them and in my faith we refrain from drinking coffee. So I was craving chocolate tonight and this really hit the spot! Tip: I have discovered that most everything cooks better in a ramekin dish rather than the provided trays.
1 pack Medifast chocolate chip cookie bake
1/2 t vanilla
1 t cocoa
1/2 packet truvia
2 T cold water
Blend well and place on a ramekin or a mug. Microwave for 70-90 seconds.
Dec 5, 2012
Dec 4, 2012
Nov 20, 2012
It has been a while since I have posted a KICK BUTT recipe, and tonight my friends, I am about to deliver! I stopped at the grocery store tonight after running errands hoping to be inspired. I perused the refrigerated salad dressings, and was struck with a recipe lightning bolt! I picked up a bottle of Litehouse Thai Peanut dressing and thought...this would be perfect in a lettuce wrap recipe. So, here you are, my Spicy Thai Lettuce wrap recipe! The great thing about this recipe is that it works for the whole family. I served it to my husband in tortillas instead of lettuce, cause he likes a tortilla with everything! He gobbled it all up!
1/2 cup Thai Peanut dressing
Siracha Hot sauce to taste (I used about 2T)
1t Low Sodium Soy Sauce
1 lb Ground Turkey ( I used 99% fat free)
1/4 c chopped green onion
Broccoli Slaw (in the bagged salad section)
Lettuce Leaves Butter or Iceberg
Brown your ground turkey with the chopped green onion. While that is cooking mix the dressing, hot sauce and soy sauce in a small bowl. When your turkey is done browning mix in the sauce and let it simmer for a few minutes while you stir it all in. Prepare your lettuce leaves and top them with the broccoli slaw and the turkey meat. Wrap up and enjoy!
If you are on the Medifast plan, you may need to ad more veggies to this meal. I use spinach in my morning shake so I don't need as many veggie servings with my dinner.
Nov 19, 2012
Today I feel energized, powerful, hopeful, thankful, and most of all, peaceful! I believe in myself, I can do this! I WILL do this! And I would love to help others get there too. I want to coach again, I am trying to get myself in a place where I can be as helpful as possible to those who choose to take this journey with me. If you are reading this...and I have no clue who is...I would love to help you in any way I can. Hopefully, my gutting it out on the world wide web can reach someone and help them feel a kinship. Because I am someone who "gets" it!
Nov 17, 2012
Nov 16, 2012
Oct 20, 2012
As far as food goes, it has kind of been a mixed bag. 85% of the time, I am good. I have been pretty true to my meal replacement program, with a few cheats here and there, but nothing crazy, and nowhere near the kinds of benders I usually go on. I have not really lost any weight yet however, and even after 2 weeks of solid gym attendance, I am still seeing the number on the scale stay the same. I have decided to finish up with the Wonderslim food, and then if I don't see an improvement, I will go back to Medifast. I like the taste of Wonderslim much better, but I am a results girl, and I need to see some fruits for my labors ya know?? Also, Medifast always made me feel good, and I always had a lot of energy. I am not really feeling that way with Wonderslim, but I think it has been a good way to ease back into the replacement lifestyle.
As I mentioned, I joined the Anytime Fitness by my house and have been going 3 days a week at 5am. I have read in many books that during weight loss you don't want to over do it at the gym. The reason for this is because after you get to your goal weight, you want to be able to maintain your lifestyle. If you start out going balls to the wall, where do you have to go from there? Also, I am doing full body weights and circuit training, and you really don't want to work the same muscles two days in a row. It is proven that weight lifting and circuit training can trigger your body to continue to burn for up to 48 hours after your workout!! So, as part of my goal to make this a lifestyle and not a punishment, I feel like 3 good, hard days at the gym is plenty. On my days off, I am trying to be more active and get some calories burned just by having a less sedentary lifestyle than I am used to. Heck, I have three flights of stairs in my new house, by this time next year I should have the legs of a super model right?!?! I do love the gym, and I am remembering why I loved to go, and also, why going so early made me happy. I love coming home to a house full of sleeping family and getting a little alone time before my day starts!!
I am trying really hard to stay positive, and to spend less time punishing myself. Some days that means taking a break from the rigid food schedule and enjoying a pizza night with my family. I really don't want my kids to remember me as some weirdo around food who always made meals uncomfortable. My goal is to find balance, and that is so hard for me. I am really good at bingeing, and I am also really good at restriction...it's that middle ground that has always given me trouble!!
So, upward and onward I guess! I feel good about where I am right now. I feel close to balance. Definitely still some things to work on, but I can say I am making an honest effort to get there!
Oct 6, 2012
So, my amazing, rock star husband was in a competition at work. For three months he has been working his cute little fanny off to win said competition. When we got transferred at the very end of the competition we thought he wouldn't stand a chance of winning since he had to take a whole week of to move thus loosing a weeks worth of sales floor time. Wellllllll...HE WON!!! He is one of the few chosen from the entire company to take his wife on a CRUISE! The company is paying for everything and I am so proud and excited I can hardly stand it! He is so amazing and he is constantly making waves at work and showing everyone just how amazing he really is!
A cruise...on a boat...with other people from the company and their wives...and sun...water........swimming suits....dinner....formal wear....oh boy! It took a day or two for it to sink in that I really didn't want my first cruise experience to be clouded by my horrible self image. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. And then I started praying that they weren't sending us right away, and that I would have some time to slim down. Everyone I have mentioned that to has said, "oh my gosh, you are so silly". But am I? Is it so crazy to want to fully enjoy this amazing gift we have been given without the crazy inner voice ruining all my fun? Is it so crazy to want to feel confident when I meet other wives and company big wigs? I think not, and to my relief, we are not going until February some time. I am so thrilled. I have a new goal, and new motivation! I am doing great so far. I have had a couple of days that were a bit shaky but nothing crazy. Of course I had to make a giant meal and dessert to celebrate such a huge accomplishment for my Husband! Luckily, his favorite dessert is Pumpkin Pie and I can barely stomach the stuff, so that is what I made...no temptation there! I did however down 3 home made rolls! No biggy! 4 months is going to fly and I can't wait!
Oct 1, 2012
I have felt for sometime now that I wanted to rename my blog. When I started blogging, it was more fun, witty and goofy. But as it has evolved, and as I have evolved, I feel like my blog deserves a more serious name. I haven't really come up with anything that feels right just yet, I am open for suggestions, or even just words that you feel describe this blog. But, keep your eyes open, cause a change is on the horizon!
So, with all of that going on I was not a very good girl. I did a lot of stress eating, a lot of fast food over the two days we were traveling here. A lot of continental breakfast food while we lived in a hotel, and a lot of pizza the first few nights we were in our house and didn't have our kitchen un-packed. However. The SECOND we were unpacked in the kitchen, I got back under control, and I had a perfect week last week! I have not weighed myself however. I always like to give myself a few weeks to get back on track and loose the pounds I inevitably gained during my bender so that I don't panic and throw my scale against a wall!
The other reason is this; I am trying really hard to change my thought process about this journey. I am reading an amazing book that an old roommate of mine suggested to me after she read my blog. It is called "Remembering Wholeness". There is no way I could begin to tell you about this book on this blog. It is really life changing and I suggest you all read it. She is very religious and uses scripture and spirituality to support her theories. What I am getting from this is that I must take the victim mentality I have lived in my entire adult life and throw it away. I must change my thoughts from what I don't want, to what I do want. I must trade in negativity for positivity. Take those things in your life that have triggered you and throw them out! The scale can be a great way to feel rewarded. But I have used it as a way to punish myself. I seriously used to weigh every single day. And if i was up even an ounce, I would punish myself, cry, throw a fit, and then feel completely defeated the rest of the day. But it didn't stop there. If I hadn't lost enough, I had the same reaction. I was only satisfied if I lost a significant amount in the last 24 hours. It was crazy abusive and I am over it!
I am learning so much from this book and I am so excited to learn as much as I can from it and see my life change! I am excited to be back on the ole blog. I see that my efforts to start a contest kind of flopped. It's ok. I still feel strongly about the reasons I do this. And in the last few weeks a few of my readers have reached out to me and I can't even tell you how fulfilling it is to know I was able to help someone feel less alone. I may not know all of you, but I love you. That may seem strange. But when I write these posts. I feel inspired. Sometimes, I write things I didn't intend to write. I hope my words reach the person they need to reach (besides me!) and that you feel my love through my words. I feel like those of us who struggle with these issues need to band together. We are a family! I really feel that way. Women can help heal each other, it's in our nature!
So, take my advice, read the book, carry on, and have a blessed day!
Sep 14, 2012
Sep 12, 2012
Sep 10, 2012
Sep 4, 2012
I think because I have never had the extreme outer physical appearance of a person with an eating disorder, I have never felt comfortable labeling myself that way. I have never been 400 pounds, and I have never been 80 pounds, so I haven't felt that I was entitled to the feelings that plagued me. I have always placed the blame on myself. If I just had more self control, if I could just get a handle on things, if I could only wake up earlier and work out harder, and eat less, and endure hunger better, and learn to love food I despise, and to despise food that I love...if only...if only...if only...blame...blame...blame. The battle is raging and it is constant.
I have searched myself trying to find the reason that I turn to food. Again, my story lacks the usual abuse or trauma that is found amongst most woman with eating disorders. I came from a loving home with both parents present and a father who was very kind. The only conclusion that I can come to is that I was taught to associate eating with being fat. I was raised in the 80's. Whose mother wasn't on a diet in the 80's right?? My mother fought her own battles with self esteem and body image. There weren't the tools back then and we didn't have the knowledge we have today. I think naturally my mom feared for her daughters to struggle with their bodies as she had, and so she may have unintentionally planted that seed in me. I do not blame her. She did the best with what she knew. She is the only other person in my life who has seen into this part of me. I am sure it terrified her. I am sure she must have been so worried. I look at my own daughter. My beautiful baby girl...and I wonder; how, after all these years of struggle, will I teach her to love herself? How can I possibly teach her when I lack the tools? I don't want to damage her, but I don't want to see her suffer either. How would I react if in the next few years she begins to plump up? Not out of shame towards her, but out of fear that she will suffer as I have suffered? When I put myself in that position, I can understand my own mother better.
So, before this becomes an autobiography...I will wrap it up and say this; I am on a journey. I have been on a journey for a long long time. I am turning 30 next month...I am too old to carry this burden any longer. I want to be free...I want peace. Real peace. I have not had one day...not even one day where I have truly felt peace. I want that to change. I want silence up there in the ole noggin! I have always felt like there is another woman trapped inside of me, the woman God intended for me to become. She is strong, powerful, confident, kind, and peaceful. I want her to emerge. I know she is in there, she's buried pretty deep as of now, but she is in there. Sometimes, I think she looks like that weird dying soul at the train station on the last Harry Potter movie, but at least she is holding on!
And so the next leg of this journey begins. Self cleansing, self healing, self forgiving, self loving. That is my new mantra, and those are words I have never before been able to learn. But, now is my time. I feel lighter already. I feel like sharing has lifted some of the burden. I hope that if you are reading this, and feel like you need someone to reach out to, you know I am here for you. I truly believe that as women, we can lift each other up and help each other heal.
I was watching the Oprah Lifeclass with Iyanla yesterday and she said something that struck a chord with me (actually, it made me bawl like a baby!) She said, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." I don't really know who I am yet, but I know what I can become...and when I become her...watch out world!