I started this blog as a way to journal, vent, and be brutally, painfully honest not only with myself, but with those of you who may be reading it. So as hard as this post is for me to write, and for as long as I have been avoiding writing it, I must.
I have been in a state of denial for the last two months. I have slipped back in that frame of mind where I forget what I have eaten or I justify what I have eaten. One of my biggest struggles has always been holidays and social events. If I have one bite, I can't stop myself, I have 100. It all started at Thanksgiving. I started feeling depressed about my miscarriage and I felt like I was justified in eating whatever I wanted when I felt depressed. And, before I knew it, I was in relapse. This last few days I have decided to be honest with myself. It has been tough. I still can't bring myself to get on the scale. I just am not sure I can deal with the consequences just yet. The thought of seeing my sins on the scale makes me feel a bit ill.
I had one of my favorite clients in the other day. I have blogged about her before. I have done her hair for almost 6 years and just about every time I do her hair we talk about diet, weight, food, clothes, etc. We relate on so many levels in the diet and weight loss arena. I feel like we are kindred spirits. Typically our conversations are pretty light-hearted, with a bit of seriousness here and there. But this time was different. Both of us were not in the best of moods and our conversation quickly became about addiction. I know I have an addiction, I have been pretty aware of that. However, I don't want to be treated like an addict, and for some reason I have decided that the same rules do not apply to me.
I found this definition online and I felt my face get hot.
The state of being addicted; devotion; inclination; A habit or practice that damages, jeopardizes or shortens one's life but when ceased causes trauma; A pathological relationship to mood altering experience that has life damaging consequences
The phrase, damages, jeopardizes, or shortens ones life. WOW, that is tough to hear. I have let my food addiction damage my life and the lives of those around me for far too long. This last two months in particular. The other part of that definition that struck a chord with me was, A pathological relationship to mood altering experiences. Food does that for me...for a moment. I feel good when I am eating. But the second I swallow, the shame sets in. Once the shame sets in, watch out. The people around me are the ones who pay for it. I hunt for food the same way a junkie searches for a hit. I think because I have had the chance to recently be lifted out of the fog, I was able to catch myself a lot quicker this time. I have tasted what healthy is like. I know what it feels like to have control and feel victory. So WHY do I sabotage? I have no idea. I have never drank or smoked or done drugs...but I know the pain of addiction. I know what process the brain goes through when justifying a return to your old habits. I know what the shame of relapse feels like. I know the sting of self defeat. My client and I were asking each other, do we have to give up unhealthy food forever the same way an alcoholic gives up drinking forever? Is it the same? Right now, for me, yes. I can't cheat just once. Not now. I just don't know if I have to tools yet to live a life of balance.
If I am babbling, feel free to stop reading now. I just have to get this out for my own sake, so sorry, check back soon for more uplifting posts!
Usually when I blog I have overcome something, and I blog about it to share with others my victory. Sometimes, I am in the middle of something, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I still feel positive about it. Right now, I am in a place I have never been before. Utterly terrified, and completely...hopeless. Facing a life of this battle terrifies me. Even at my heaviest weight I always hoped that someday I would overcome my weight battle. Now, with TSFL I know how to overcome the fat....but I am left with the addiction, and addiction I have no idea how to overcome. They say once an addict always an addict. So what does that mean for me? Do I live with this forever? Will I ever overcome this and learn to have a lifelong healthy relationship with food? I really, truly, have no idea.
Oh April, my heart just breaks for you. I can't tell you how much I relate to ALL your words. I ask the same questions to myself DAILY. I'm not one to give out unsolicited advice but the over-eaters anonymous book that goes along with their program answers all the questions you just asked. It is the only organization I've ever believes in real food addictions and getting to the root of the behavior. It obviously doesn't happen over night and to be honest I don't think the impulses ever go away but if you want some good reading about food addiction and recovery, I suggest that book! It has helped me immensely. Hang in there, you inspire others around you, even if we are only around via the world wide web!
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