This picture is kind of what I have been feeling like doing this week. I joined the gym and so i have been trying so hard to stay on the program even though I really just want to eat and eat and eat. As I always have done in the past, I chalk the cravings up to lack of control or I find some way to blame myself and turn the anger inward. Until today. I had a revelation. I had a miscarriage at 4 months pregnant this summer and my due date is about 2 weeks away. I have been extra emotional about it and after months of not crying over the issue, i have been crying myself to sleep and tearing up at the grocery store while passing the baby section and wanting to hold my 3 year old like a baby and smell his hair. I really truly thought that I would be pregnant again by now and that my "due date" would be a non issue. Thus, I have not prepared myself for all of these emotions. All of this has been happening and i have been suppressing it all. The moment I feel sad, i wipe the tears and push the pain away. Today, I even began to feel physically ill. So, it hadn't really occurred to me that I was eating my feelings. I find myself back in the old habit of standing at the pantry waiting for something to speak to me. Waiting for that one food that is going to make me numb. It took me an hour to make my dinner tonight because i knew I didn't want "lean and green" but I couldn't decide how "bad" to be. What could I eat that will make me satisfied?? I settled on eggs and toast with a bit of melty cheese...not a huge sin, but not the best choice. Comfort food I guess.
Part of making changes is understanding why we make bad choices in the first place. I remember once on the Oprah show she said that she always thought she was fat because she liked food and not because she had some underlying issues. It wasn't until she was truly honest with herself the she realized her eating was a direct result of her horrible childhood. I still don't really understand why food is such a drug for me. I know i use it when I am stressed or sad. I still have not had any light bulb moments from my past decoding the mystery of my food addiction, but I have learned through TSFL how to recognize my weaknesses as they happen. I understand why this last week has been so hard. Now, the trick is, how do I find comfort without eating? Do I allow myself to medicate with food? I have always felt entitled in the past when i am sad to medicate however i want. I stand in front of the pantry or the fridge and the two people that exist in my head battle over the choice to make. THE BEAST returns and I feel like a person in a movie with an angel on one shoulder and the food devil on the other.
One of life's greatest blessings is that tomorrow is always another day, and we always have the chance to start anew and make better choices. With a new week approaching, I feel confident that I can gain control and cope better. Tears may come and feelings may be sad, but that is ok. I have a lot of people who love me and most importantly, I have prayer, and the comfort that comes with knowing there is a plan, and that The Lord is aware of me. As tired as I am of people trying to make me feel better by telling me it just wasn't time, or you will have a baby when the time is right...I know they are right. i know all those things. That doesn't mean it has to be easy. And that doesn't mean I lack faith for struggling with it. I am so thankful for what I do have, and truly I feel like this last 5 months has changed my life forever. The Lord has given me this time to get healthy and I am so thankful for that.