Jul 17, 2011

Pregnancy Brain 
I KNOW I am not the only woman on the planet who feels this way.  I also know these feelings aren't exclusive to being pregnant...but...with that being said, I feel like I am loosing my ever loving MIND.  I have this strong STRONG urge to eat, and to eat everything in sight.  I have always struggled with an addiction to food and I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food, but this pregnancy is bringing out a side of this addiction I have never dealt with before.  I feel like I am constantly battling within myself day in and day out.  I know that not too long ago I had the lifestyle I have wanted my whole life.  I wore a size 6-8, I worked out 4-5 days a week, I had control over what I ate and had a healthy understanding of what my body needed.  I was fit, happy, and healthy.  I have said this in an earlier post, but as soon as I knew I was pregnant, something just flipped in my head.  It is almost like that fit healthy happy girl was an impostor and this food crazed, fat, tired, angry person I am now is the real me and I had been locked away in some basement and I have finally escaped.  I worry that this is the real me.  I worry that I will never again have the control I had not too long ago.  I am soooo sick of hearing,"give yourself a break, you are pregnant".  NOOO giving myself "a break" is exactly how I get myself into messes like this.  I find, the only way I am ever, EVER the least bit healthy, is by treating myself to a Nazi dose of control.  I am so nervous to go to my OB appointment in two weeks and have her lecture me on how fat I am getting.  Do you think it is possible to loose weight during your second trimester??  I doubt it!  Well, either way, I am determined for the next two weeks to work on myself.  Lots and LOTS of prayer.  Lots of self repair and lots of counting calories.  I am hoping that I can find a comfortable way to sleep so I can get some rest during the night and feel good enough to work out again.  I really do miss that girl...even if she was an impostor.  At least she kept the crazy me quiet, and I would LOVE to have her back.

1 comment:

  1. Oh April, I just feel for you. I feel for you because I battle so many of the things you mentioned. Sometimes I look at pictures of the "old" me and wonder how I got so far from that fit, healthy, happy person and sometimes i freak out that i will never get there again. Do what you need to in order to stay healthy and happy and have faith that you can overcome even the darkest sides of yourself. I have decided people who battle a food addiction understand that the mental and emotional battle is way harder than just eating healthy food and exercising. So many people that don't struggle with a food addiction think it's just about the food. Hang in there, so many people just love you (like me) Man, I wish we lived in the same city so we could have greater than parties. You are fulfilling your responsibilities to become a mother and that is the most beautiful thing in the world and I hope you know that I admire that decision. I know you can figure things out, you are so determined, I just know you will figure things out!