I have missed writing on my blog for a while. Life with two kids is just so busy and I have had a hard time fitting in all the things I love to do. Blogging has kind of taken a back seat. But tonight, I am feeling like I need to vent, spill, complain, cry, whatever. This is kind of my free therapy, and I miss getting it all out. Somehow putting all my feelings into cyber space makes me feel better. Most of the time, I feel really misunderstood, and I guess I imagine there is some sweet soul out there who may read this and be able to relate to me, and that makes me feel less alone.
If you follow this blog at all, you know that I have been doing Medifast. I used this program before to loose 36 pounds and get down to the smallest weight/size I have ever been. I lost my mind during my pregnancy and gained it alllllll back! I really thought I could just hop back on the program and loose the weight. I have had some success I am down about 15lbs since the week before Thanksgiving. However, most weeks are very very frustrating, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to overcome my intense cravings, my energy level is frighteningly low most of the time, and I am not feeling like I have the will power to continue on this program. I am all about the number on the scale. I am willing to do just about anything...but I want to see the fruits of my labor...is that so much to ask?? I get up at 5am to work out. I eat meal replacements 5 times a day, and only lean meat and veggies once a day. I drink so much water I pee constantly. I have given up all soda, and all caffeine. I have made the tough sacrifices...so why aren't they paying off? Why am I not feeling better? Why do I still feel like a huge failure? Why?
I have said before that really, all I want is peace. Today, I woke up after a really solid week, expecting a good weight loss. Much to my surprise, I had actually GAINED a pound. WHAT THE HELL. From that second on, my day has been shot. I actually have felt nauseated all day. So what do I do, I rebel. I ate the rest of the chocolate chips in my baking cupboard...and to top off the night, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and tater tots. Do I feel better, no, no I don't...I feel worse. Do I feel peaceful. NOPE. I feel like taking my scale and all of my medifast food and burning it whilst shaking my fists at the sky. I feel like punching a hole in the wall. I feel like drowning myself in chocolate and crying til my eyes are dry. I know I will wake up tomorrow, and things will seem brighter, but for today, I am once again, locked in this prison right next to my demon...she and I, face to face, just like old times.
I want to believe that there will come a day when I will be free of all of this. A day when the number on the scale doesn't affect my ability to function. A day when I can enjoy a decadent meal without wanting to throw it all up and beg the diet Gods for forgiveness. I slipped up today. I let my emotions run rampant, and I lost sight of my goals. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully, I wake up with a new outlook.
There, rant done! Now I need to ditch this pity party and move on right!
This is me, on a journey to find wellness. Whole, complete wellness.
I've been doing a mini-yoyo thing since Thanksgiving that's getting old, but I am pretty sure I just need to remember how much I enjoy good-for-me food once I stop eating junk.
ReplyDeleteOne thought though-do you think that you may be lacking some nutrient, or some other small thing might be out of whack in your body? Maybe a check up could help determine what the low energy is from (as though having two kids and getting up at 5 am wouldn't do it : )
Keep it up, you'll find the solution!
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe I need a check up just to be sure! Thanks for the support Fawn!!
ReplyDeleteOh April, I am definitely one of those souls who reads your blog and always get something out of it. I think I have written a very similar post 100 times on my blog. It is the most frustrating thing to be 100% on a program- especially a strict program like Medifast- and still gain weight. The last thing anyone wants in that situation is for someone to start offering advice, what worked for them, and "tips and tricks" to easily lose weight or kick the cravings. I'm sorry you're struggling. Don't give up. I'm just throwing out some things for you to google in case there may be some internal things preventing your body from letting go of the weight- xenoestrogen toxicity, imbalanced cortisol levels, chronic adrenal fatigue. You're doing amazing. I am learning a lot from a group callled "The goodlife coalition" there is a really interesting study with evidence to suggest that "grounding" can really help with getting rid of inflammation and excess weight. You can get the free e-book by visiting one of the coalition Dr.'s website- http://www.intuitionphysician.com/ Those are my 2 cents. I've learned from my own personal journey that sometimes there are so many things fighting your efforts that it makes you feel like YOU are the failure, when really, you are not the failure, you're just fighting an army all alone. Hang in there my beautiful friend!
ReplyDeleteApril,
ReplyDeleteHang in there! Sleep is CRITICAL! Having kids makes life hard. I was getting up at 5am to work out for 1.5 hours with no results. When I started to sleep more, I stared to loose some weight. CRAZY! I also try to focus on the things I do. I have done a 10K, a 5K, and a tri, weighing as much as baby elephant really...like 215 lbs. That helps me on the days I feel worthless. :) Just keeping making one good choice at a time. They will add up. Love you! you are BEAUTIFUL!
You are all so amazing! Thank you for the love and support!!
ReplyDeleteOMGOSH It must be in the water. I am totally feeling the same way!!. After loosing a bunch of weighta while back some things happened and I gained some back. It has been a disaster this time around trying to lose anything. No energy either. Seriously, what's going on with us!!! AHHHHHHHHH Let me know if you go get a check up and what you find out! Love ya girl
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