I have missed writing on my blog for a while. Life with two kids is just so busy and I have had a hard time fitting in all the things I love to do. Blogging has kind of taken a back seat. But tonight, I am feeling like I need to vent, spill, complain, cry, whatever. This is kind of my free therapy, and I miss getting it all out. Somehow putting all my feelings into cyber space makes me feel better. Most of the time, I feel really misunderstood, and I guess I imagine there is some sweet soul out there who may read this and be able to relate to me, and that makes me feel less alone.
If you follow this blog at all, you know that I have been doing Medifast. I used this program before to loose 36 pounds and get down to the smallest weight/size I have ever been. I lost my mind during my pregnancy and gained it alllllll back! I really thought I could just hop back on the program and loose the weight. I have had some success I am down about 15lbs since the week before Thanksgiving. However, most weeks are very very frustrating, and despite my best efforts, I have not been able to overcome my intense cravings, my energy level is frighteningly low most of the time, and I am not feeling like I have the will power to continue on this program. I am all about the number on the scale. I am willing to do just about anything...but I want to see the fruits of my labor...is that so much to ask?? I get up at 5am to work out. I eat meal replacements 5 times a day, and only lean meat and veggies once a day. I drink so much water I pee constantly. I have given up all soda, and all caffeine. I have made the tough sacrifices...so why aren't they paying off? Why am I not feeling better? Why do I still feel like a huge failure? Why?
I have said before that really, all I want is peace. Today, I woke up after a really solid week, expecting a good weight loss. Much to my surprise, I had actually GAINED a pound. WHAT THE HELL. From that second on, my day has been shot. I actually have felt nauseated all day. So what do I do, I rebel. I ate the rest of the chocolate chips in my baking cupboard...and to top off the night, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and tater tots. Do I feel better, no, no I don't...I feel worse. Do I feel peaceful. NOPE. I feel like taking my scale and all of my medifast food and burning it whilst shaking my fists at the sky. I feel like punching a hole in the wall. I feel like drowning myself in chocolate and crying til my eyes are dry. I know I will wake up tomorrow, and things will seem brighter, but for today, I am once again, locked in this prison right next to my demon...she and I, face to face, just like old times.
I want to believe that there will come a day when I will be free of all of this. A day when the number on the scale doesn't affect my ability to function. A day when I can enjoy a decadent meal without wanting to throw it all up and beg the diet Gods for forgiveness. I slipped up today. I let my emotions run rampant, and I lost sight of my goals. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully, I wake up with a new outlook.
There, rant done! Now I need to ditch this pity party and move on right!