Journaling

I hate writing in a journal.  I don't write very well anymore, and I really don't have time.  I want to use my blog as a way of journaling, but it is so hard most days to find the time to sit down and blog. Life has been so nuts this last year and I have kind of gotten lost in it all. And by that I don't just mean I have been busy, or overwhelmed, I mean, I am lost.  The person I am, the person I want to be. I don't really know who I am anymore. I live to serve my kids and my husband and my church. I don't take care of my own needs very often and now I find myself spending a lot of time alone, in bed, sad, lazy, eating, numbing, loathing.  I wish I had the energy to be a good mom and a fit mom, and a healthy mom and an involved wife.  I wish I was more in touch with my sexuality.  I wish I didn't loathe my own body so much that I hate even putting on clothes that aren't sweats. The problem here isn't that I don't know the problem, it's that I don't have any idea how to fix it. I am wellllll aware of my issues and my shortcomings and my road blocks.  I just can't seem to win any battles to overcome them, get around them, heal from them. 12 step didn't seem to make me feel better.  Therapy is a good place to vent, but I don't feel better yet. Talking about my issues with friends and family is cathartic, but not healing. I spend every evening planning how to eat healthy the next day only to wake up feeling utterly out of control before I even eat breakfast.  Today I have eaten more calories than I get for a whole day and it's only 3:00.  I have prayed and prayed for answers and yet, nothing comes.  I don't feel stronger.  I never feel in control. I honestly don't see a time when I will not behave this way.  How am I ever going to overcome this? Am I just meant for sadness?? Am I supposed to stay fat? Am I destined for illness and disease caused by my eating habits? None of that seems to be a motivator for me to pull it together.  I used to blame myself for a lack of self control. But that isn't the problem.  I have NO control. I can't control my thoughts, my actions, my emotions or my feelings. I just want someone to come to me and say, here is what you need to do/read/eat/say.  Here is what to pray for.  Here is a program that will help you loose weight and feel better.  I know everyone wishes it was that easy, I'm not alone in that. I think for me right now, I need to make one tiny goal.  Something easy that I can do.  It may sound super silly, but I think that goal is going to be to make my bed every day.  It sounds simple, but I think that if my bed is made a few other things will happen. 1. I won't get back in it until bed time. 2. I will be motivated to clean up other parts of the house.  I think if I can have a little bit of success, I will feel motivated to take on other goals.  My big one that I really would like to achieve is to cut out all sugar and white flour.  I tell myself every day I am going to do it, but I loose all control early in the morning.  I know it will help me feel better.  Kind of like making my bed. I know that if I can cut out those two things from my diet, I might feel motivated to make other healthy changes!

Progress is Progress

It has been a rough week.  I have been battling insomnia and serious depression for a couple of months now.  This week it seems to have all come to a head.  I spent a few days in bed feeling like I couldn't physically move.  My mind willing my body to get up and get dressed, brush my teeth, take a shower, but my body refusing to cooperate. It always sounds like a good idea to stay in bed for days, but usually by the end of the first day I feel even more depressed. I start to feel like a big worthless blob. My kids suffer, my house suffers, my self esteem suffers. It isn't as relaxing as it would seem.  Depression is more than just feeling sad. When someone says they "suffer from depression," they are truly suffering.  I have sat on my floor sobbing, begging God to get me out of the darkness. The physical aspects are sometimes painful, and exhausting. It really is suffering. The hardest part is that most of the time those of us with depression suffer it alone. No one wants to be labeled as crazy or as a charity case. I don't want to burden anyone else with my sorrow. I confide in a few people that I trust, but when things are at their darkest, I don't feel like I can reach out in front of my face let alone reach out to someone else for help. Last night after days of feeling low, I knelt in prayer and asked my Father in Heaven to deliver me. I got up, went downstairs did a load of dishes, came back upstairs and folded a bunch of laundry. I felt better, not perfect, but better. Today, I woke up, showered, brushed my teeth, put on some makeup and left the house. It's amazing how doing those easy things makes a difference. The sun was out, I got some groceries, had a friend over and on top of it all, I tracked my food and stayed under budget! God really had my back today. I still battled some anxiety, my kids still drove me a little nuts, but I didn't eat about it, and I had the Grace of God helping me stay calm. I don't know why I forget to pray. When I am at my darkest, why do I forget that I can pray and ask for help? Satan tells me no one cares, God doesn't hear me and I will never be well. I went back to 12 step on Sunday. I didn't share, I just sat and listened. It is so refreshing to hear the testimonies of these brave beautiful women who truly understand my pain. They inspire me.

Today, I did well. Today I felt better. Today I saw the sunshine and I basked in it. There are times when I get glimpses of who I can be. I see a woman who enjoys her life if for only a moment, and I love her. I want to nurture her and bring her forward. I know God did not create me to be sad and depressed.  I have potential to be great.

I'm Baaaaack!

It has been over 2 years since I last blogged.  A whole lot has happened since then.  1. I had another baby.  Sweet Lennox Avery came to us November 24th 2013.  He was almost 10 weeks premature and weighed in at a whopping 2 pounds 10 ounces.  He is now turning two and is a healthy, sweet, happy little boy! We have moved to Idaho Falls Idaho and I put a salon in our basement.  We are learning to like it here.  This move had it's issues for me, but I am doing my best.

Since this blog is about my journey to wholeness, i will update you about my health over the last two or so years. I will spare you all of the boring details and just say that my failures to get my weight under control since Lennox was born have led me to The Church of Jesus Christ's 12 step plan for over eaters.  I accepted long ago that I was an addict, but I really didn't know what to do with that information.  A dear friend of mine invited me to a meeting and I had been going since the end of May 2015.  About a month ago I had what I can only call a mental breakdown. It was a culmination of things really...failure to loose any weight despite my best efforts, trouble in my marriage, loneliness, feeling like I was failing at the 12 steps because I wasn't feeling or behaving any better, and a debilitating bout of depression. I started yelling more, sleeping less, eating to soothe, staying in my house for days and days on end and pulling away from everyone and everything I loved.  I had panic attacks at church.  I had panic attacks standing in my closet picking what to wear.  I had severe anxiety about leaving the house to do anything. I stopped going to meetings, I started binge eating again.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped doing anything that was causing me frustration or pain. I honestly felt like I was failing at every part of my life. This drove me to seek counseling. My husband and I had been trying marriage counseling, and I just didn't feel like he was ready to change, and I didn't feel a connection to the counselor we were seeing. I was in Boise visiting my dear friend and she said maybe I needed to see someone for myself. Get things in my head figured out before I could tackle any other issues.  I found a counselor and so far, 2 appointments in, I feel good about her.  She encouraged me to journal, and I thought, hey, why not pick up blogging again. Maybe someone will stumble across this and relate to what I say.

Yesterday a friend from my 12 step group called me.  She and I haven't spoken in a while and I honestly thought with leaving the group we may never talk again.  Until yesterday, I wasn't sure if I could return.  I just can't take any more failure right now and the steps were starting to feel like a burden to me. She said some very powerful things.  She brought me to tears more that a few times.  But the thing she said that hit me the hardest was this....Just stop.  Stop binge eating right now. Just pull it together and stop it. I have given myself every reason in the world to binge eat.  I deserve to feel better, this is all I can do to numb myself, this is just who I am, I will never get better. She also said she felt like Satan had me, he had me by the neck.  That brought tears to my eyes and a pit in my stomach.  Satan %100 has a hold of me, my mind and my spirit right now.  He knows exactly how to lure me into the darkness.  I had an image flash in my mind of me with a chain around my neck being drug into the woods.  I was dirty, and tattered and crying.  At first I fought, but then I just gave in.  My counselor asked me to describe my emotions as if they were a drawing.  I told her it was a deep hole, pure dark with slick smooth walls.  No one at the top, and no way to get out. This is what food addiction has done to me. This is how my life looks. Pain, sorrow, anxiety, sleeplessness, loneliness, panic, darkness.  Until yesterday, I was prepared to settle in to it all.  Be "on" when I need to be on.  Put on the show when I need to.  But in my private moments, when no one else is watching...the girl at the bottom of the hole in the dark is who I really was. My friend told me to literally tell Satan to go away, get out of here, leave me alone.  I have had moments over the last few months when I have begged to My Father in Heaven to "get me out here, please get me out of here." But I had never thought to tell Satan "GET OUT OF HERE".  He is in my head.  He uses food to get there. He is the one dragging me by the neck into the woods to put me in that deep dark hole with no way out. So, what I need to remember when I am having a food fantasy(really that is what it is, a fantasy) is that nothing tastes good enough to justify living in a hole.  I need to commit to eating well as whole heartedly as I have committed to my marriage.  Is marriage always easy? NOPE. Do I sometimes wonder if the grass is greener? Sure, don't we all.  But no matter what, I would never leave my marriage, or dishonor my covenants.  I need to see overcoming addiction in the same light.  I am turning 33 tomorrow.  I think 33 years is long enough to struggle.  I don't remember ever NOT struggling with food and weight and depression.  I stood in my pantry last night begging the Lord to deliver me.  BEGGING. I am happy to report I made a healthy choice for dinner, and have been binge free today. The voice of my friend in my head telling me to JUST STOP combined with the Grace of God got me through today. I napped, I prepared a beautiful, satisfying meal and I have now blogged.  I am going to do this.  I am going to overcome.  It may take me the rest of my life.  But with God all things can be done.  I don't know who reads this.  I have no idea if anyone will ever feel less alone.  I can hope that someday I will be able to sit down and type...I am free!!!  Until then, take this journey with me.  I want to share this talk that I listened to yesterday from my church's semi-annual conference.  This man is our Prophet.  His health is failing and I am not sure how much longer he will live.  I listened to this talk last night while I sat alone and ate my dinner.  I sobbed.  Like ugly sobbed.  I love him, and I love his message of hope.  Please take a minute if you are reading this to listen.  I promise you will feel the Light of Christ reach out to you.

Well, that's it.  Here we go right?!  Another chapter in my journey to wholeness!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/be-an-example-and-a-light?lang=eng