Oct 13, 2015

I'm Baaaaack!

It has been over 2 years since I last blogged.  A whole lot has happened since then.  1. I had another baby.  Sweet Lennox Avery came to us November 24th 2013.  He was almost 10 weeks premature and weighed in at a whopping 2 pounds 10 ounces.  He is now turning two and is a healthy, sweet, happy little boy! We have moved to Idaho Falls Idaho and I put a salon in our basement.  We are learning to like it here.  This move had it's issues for me, but I am doing my best.

Since this blog is about my journey to wholeness, i will update you about my health over the last two or so years. I will spare you all of the boring details and just say that my failures to get my weight under control since Lennox was born have led me to The Church of Jesus Christ's 12 step plan for over eaters.  I accepted long ago that I was an addict, but I really didn't know what to do with that information.  A dear friend of mine invited me to a meeting and I had been going since the end of May 2015.  About a month ago I had what I can only call a mental breakdown. It was a culmination of things really...failure to loose any weight despite my best efforts, trouble in my marriage, loneliness, feeling like I was failing at the 12 steps because I wasn't feeling or behaving any better, and a debilitating bout of depression. I started yelling more, sleeping less, eating to soothe, staying in my house for days and days on end and pulling away from everyone and everything I loved.  I had panic attacks at church.  I had panic attacks standing in my closet picking what to wear.  I had severe anxiety about leaving the house to do anything. I stopped going to meetings, I started binge eating again.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped doing anything that was causing me frustration or pain. I honestly felt like I was failing at every part of my life. This drove me to seek counseling. My husband and I had been trying marriage counseling, and I just didn't feel like he was ready to change, and I didn't feel a connection to the counselor we were seeing. I was in Boise visiting my dear friend and she said maybe I needed to see someone for myself. Get things in my head figured out before I could tackle any other issues.  I found a counselor and so far, 2 appointments in, I feel good about her.  She encouraged me to journal, and I thought, hey, why not pick up blogging again. Maybe someone will stumble across this and relate to what I say.

Yesterday a friend from my 12 step group called me.  She and I haven't spoken in a while and I honestly thought with leaving the group we may never talk again.  Until yesterday, I wasn't sure if I could return.  I just can't take any more failure right now and the steps were starting to feel like a burden to me. She said some very powerful things.  She brought me to tears more that a few times.  But the thing she said that hit me the hardest was this....Just stop.  Stop binge eating right now. Just pull it together and stop it. I have given myself every reason in the world to binge eat.  I deserve to feel better, this is all I can do to numb myself, this is just who I am, I will never get better. She also said she felt like Satan had me, he had me by the neck.  That brought tears to my eyes and a pit in my stomach.  Satan %100 has a hold of me, my mind and my spirit right now.  He knows exactly how to lure me into the darkness.  I had an image flash in my mind of me with a chain around my neck being drug into the woods.  I was dirty, and tattered and crying.  At first I fought, but then I just gave in.  My counselor asked me to describe my emotions as if they were a drawing.  I told her it was a deep hole, pure dark with slick smooth walls.  No one at the top, and no way to get out. This is what food addiction has done to me. This is how my life looks. Pain, sorrow, anxiety, sleeplessness, loneliness, panic, darkness.  Until yesterday, I was prepared to settle in to it all.  Be "on" when I need to be on.  Put on the show when I need to.  But in my private moments, when no one else is watching...the girl at the bottom of the hole in the dark is who I really was. My friend told me to literally tell Satan to go away, get out of here, leave me alone.  I have had moments over the last few months when I have begged to My Father in Heaven to "get me out here, please get me out of here." But I had never thought to tell Satan "GET OUT OF HERE".  He is in my head.  He uses food to get there. He is the one dragging me by the neck into the woods to put me in that deep dark hole with no way out. So, what I need to remember when I am having a food fantasy(really that is what it is, a fantasy) is that nothing tastes good enough to justify living in a hole.  I need to commit to eating well as whole heartedly as I have committed to my marriage.  Is marriage always easy? NOPE. Do I sometimes wonder if the grass is greener? Sure, don't we all.  But no matter what, I would never leave my marriage, or dishonor my covenants.  I need to see overcoming addiction in the same light.  I am turning 33 tomorrow.  I think 33 years is long enough to struggle.  I don't remember ever NOT struggling with food and weight and depression.  I stood in my pantry last night begging the Lord to deliver me.  BEGGING. I am happy to report I made a healthy choice for dinner, and have been binge free today. The voice of my friend in my head telling me to JUST STOP combined with the Grace of God got me through today. I napped, I prepared a beautiful, satisfying meal and I have now blogged.  I am going to do this.  I am going to overcome.  It may take me the rest of my life.  But with God all things can be done.  I don't know who reads this.  I have no idea if anyone will ever feel less alone.  I can hope that someday I will be able to sit down and type...I am free!!!  Until then, take this journey with me.  I want to share this talk that I listened to yesterday from my church's semi-annual conference.  This man is our Prophet.  His health is failing and I am not sure how much longer he will live.  I listened to this talk last night while I sat alone and ate my dinner.  I sobbed.  Like ugly sobbed.  I love him, and I love his message of hope.  Please take a minute if you are reading this to listen.  I promise you will feel the Light of Christ reach out to you.

Well, that's it.  Here we go right?!  Another chapter in my journey to wholeness!

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