Pages

Aug 25, 2012

Pull The Trigger




     What is it about stressful situations that puts me into an instant downward spiral?  Today I was at Target shopping, and the place was a zoo.  It was hot, there were a million people, the checkout stands were a nightmare, my 5 year old was cranky, I forgot my Target debit card so I didn't even save the %5 I was counting on, the guy at the food court screwed up our order, and my son spilled Icee all over the place. Before we even got out of the store, I ingested a cheese pizza, half of my sons fries, and a Diet Coke (which I gave up a month ago).  Then. as I sat there feeding the demon inside, two moms sat across from me with babies about the same age as my baby, but they had flat stomachs, and perfect bodies.  Cue the self hatred. So then I felt entitled. I felt like I deserved, nay, NEEDED to cheat.  I felt like the only way to calm my nerves was to eat something sinful all the while telling myself in my brain how disgusting I am.  

I have always chalked up my stress response of eating to the fact that it is the only vice I have.  I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't take sleeping pills, or any pills for that matter, I don't cheat on my husband...but I do have a very, very unhealthy relationship with food( oh, and I kind of have a potty mouth...oops!).  So when the stress comes, the only way i have learned to cope is by stuffing myself.  In all of the years I have dieted and studied weight loss, I have never been able to master the cycle of addiction.  I know without a doubt that is why I have never conquered my weight long term.  I  have an emotional trigger like stress then instantly I crave food, I go through the ritual, I use it to soothe me, then I hate myself, which then leads to a trigger and we are right back on the roller coaster.  

I was watching the Today show a few mornings ago and they had a male guest who spoke about binge eating.  He said in his past he had always focused on controlling the food.  If only I can control the food, I will get a handle on this.  He went on to say that until we learn to control our emotions, we will get nowhere in the battle with our weight.  I am not even sure where to begin with that.  I read THIS websites information about emotional triggers which suggests that emotional triggers stem from an earlier trauma.  In the last few years I have really searched myself trying to figure out what if any trauma brought me to this place with food.  I can't think of any one event, but there are a lot of little things that I think contributed.  My mother battled with food her whole adult life.  I  remember her portioning my food differently than other kids.  I remember once at a birthday party she cut me a much smaller piece of cake than the other kids got.  I cried of course not understanding.  She took me aside and told me i had to be more careful about how much cake I ate than the other kids.  I remember being called fat by some boys at school.  I remember struggling to find clothes that fit me even at a young age.  I got put on Phen-Fen at 14. I had a very thin, popular, beautiful sister who I looked up to, but never looked like.  I felt like I was always compared to her, and we couldn't have been more different...at the time anyways!  But as adults, her and I have come to realize we both struggled with food.  If there was some sort of trauma, I either don't remember it, or my mind has chosen to forget it for me.  

There are times when the thought comes to me that I in fact have an addiction and therefore in order to overcome it, I must treat is as an addiction.  Just as a recovering alcoholic must learn to cope with life without using alcohol, so must I learn to cope with life without using food.  If there is anyone reading this who relates, or has a trick they use, or has learned to overcome, or hasn't learned to overcome and wants to learn, please, share.  I  have no idea who reads this, like I have said in the past, I do this for myself.  But I also hope, someone, somewhere can read about my struggles and feel less alone.


5 comments:

  1. April! Thanks so much for sharing. I can't wait to see what you learn, and what I can learn too. I'm in the same boat. please keep me posted. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Aleisha! So good to see you here after all this time! Us Pocatello girls are holding strong!!

      Delete
  2. April, you've got a lot of friends cheering for you and fighting similar battles that you write about. Life just doesn't stop throwing stressful situations at us and that's what makes a food addiction really hard to fight. I have attended overeaters anonymous (oa)meetings and found myself thinking...I don't have a problem like THAT person so I must not have THAT bad of an addiction. I have looked up dozens of addiction recovery programs put on by the church and have never had the courage to go. I have read the oa's book, read self help books, gone to years of counseling, and STILL don't have the answers so any suggestion I have is really more for myself :) I can say that if you're like me you'll have moments where you are "in control" of the addiction and it doesn't play as large a role in your life as it does at other times. I would say to be patient with yourself, continue searching for the triggers, and if you can find a support group or counseling. I still attend counseling because I know if I don't I will slip into my old habits. Even at my last session my counselor said, Steph, do I really need to see you again? You're a new person! 5 years ago i would have said, yeah I think I'm good. This time is different. I know I need the accountability and I know that exploring myself, my past, my emotions, and the habits that contribute to an addiction is important. It sounds like your experiences in your youth could still trigger a little bit of post traumatic stress. I know that probably sounds extreme, but it's a thought :) Our little minds just aren't capable of interpreting and processing information like adults at that age and perhaps when you feel insecure you revert back to the same behaviors you did as a child. I'm NOT a therapist, but that's something I've been told by my therapist so for what it's worth mull that one over. I just adore you and think the world of you and if you ever need to talk call me. This is a novel of a comment but I just wish we lived closer so we could have our own little support group!!! There are so many women out there who need a support group. it's just to hard to do it all alone. Hang in there and know you have a lot of people cheering for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Stephanie! thank you for your reply. It made me cry. Why didn't you and I have to courage to talk about this when we did live by each other?? This is exactly why I started this blog so long ago, to share with other women and be lifted up by each other! Thank you. I have never been brave enough to share with a "real" therapist. I have shared with a lot of my clients and with my friends, but I actually just told my husband everything about a month ago and it took him a day or two to process it all. It was really hard for him to hear about the things I have gone through and the kinds of thoughts I have. And even though he wouldn't admit it, I think it changed the way he sees me. I have been scared in the past to share, but I am so glad someone else can relate! Maybe we can all improve together!

      Delete
  3. Wow! I just read this and OMG.. you sound so much like me.. or I sound like you! however it is.. always said.. i have no other vices .. just food! I been up and down and I so can relate. :) we need to talk girl!

    ReplyDelete