I do this really, for myself. I don't know who is reading this. I don't know if it has ever helped anyone. I have no idea if people think I am nuts. But I do know this...I miss doing it. I have let my life get me down. I have given up lately. Resigned to the sadness of loosing so much. I was on a walk tonight and realized just how much of myself I have lost. There is so much missing from my life right now, and not because we moved away from everyone and everthing, and not because I have gained all of my weight back, but because I have let it go. I used every excuse in the book to justify flushing myself down the drain. Yes, depression can be so binding and some days I have felt like no matter what, I was never going to be myself again, never be fully happy again. I have wondered if my lot in life is to always feel like I am half of the person I know I have the potential to be. See, I have tasted it. I know my potential. I have seen the light...briefly...very briefly. And just when I thought I had it all figured out, the rug was pulled out from under me. I lost my footing and began the downward spiral that has been the last 2 years of my life. Today, as I had others in my life struggle with real problems, I realized something. I have the power. It is in me. I can overcome. And not just overcome and survive but I can thrive. I can become that woman who, in my mind has been sitting on a really high shelf unreachable...unattainable. I love this song becuase it really speaks to me. I am a rough and tough! I have been through things most people will never ever go through...and I have been through a lot of those kinds of things. I have punched through walls, fallen flat on my face, lost it all, and somehow, I am still here. I may have lost my fight for a while. I kind of got tired of fighting. I let the battle beat me...really, really beat me. But, nothin's gonna knock this girl down...for long! I know it sounds corny to be so inspired by a pop song, but when you are out sweating and really working your muscles and this comes piping through your earbuds, you can't help but feel a bit lighter, a bit stronger, a bit more...I dunno...bad ass??!?!?! Am I right? So anyway, here I am, once again spilling my guts on the world wide web. Things are going to get better. I just know it!
This is me, on a journey to find wellness. Whole, complete wellness.
Girl....I'm right there with you! I recently lost 20 lbs doing the insanity workout program and over the summer months managed to gain over half of that back. I too need to refocus and get back on track! I applaud you for doing this and will be reading it and getting inspired by it! Keep it up hon...we can do this :-)!
ReplyDeleteSheri Zwaanstra
April, I never like telling people, "Oh, I know how you feel," but when I read your blog and read your spilled guts I always think "I know how that feels!" I can relate to so much of what you write about. It's a journey and a battle and there are ups and downs and the fact that you can pull yourself up again after falling down is all that matters. You are an incredible woman and although I don't know how to get to that place where you are just ok with yourself (constant struggle) people say it's a good place to be, so if you get there before me, let me know the secret!
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